Monday, September 17, 2012

This Is A Joke Right?

I have a great picture of the big fellow that looks exactly like he's laughing. I'll have to scan it and post it.

School just started two weeks ago. Our youngest began JK (another reason why teachers DO NOT GET PAID ENOUGH) and a lot of friends asked me if that made me feel old and my answer was no but the fact that my oldest is in grade four and thus will be starting university in NINE YEARS, well now, that makes me feel old. (pulls pants up to nipples, shouts at teenagers on lawn)

 So its been hectic, school and school activities and ballet and gymnastics and hockey and so on, everything getting going, back in the swing and all that and on top of that work has been hectic for both myself and Jenn. This past week has been especially mental. Its always mental but this past week, oh man.

 Jenn worked Monday and Tuesday and then Saturday, Sunday and today. These are twelve hour shifts, mind, so its the mental cases and myself, working or not, running here and there and everywhere and they're hyper because of school starting and driving me out of my mind.

 And then on top of this on the three days in between Jenn had stuff going on every evening. So yeah, as I said, mental.

 Tonight was the end of it. Cooked up some nice fatty chops and little potatoes, sliced a cucumber up, sent the boy down to get me a nice big cold beer. Oh yeah, winding down.

 This is pretty standard stuff for me as you know. Have friends who just had their first and buddy is cut from the same cloth as me. Friend of theirs was over, planning a night out for the new mom, said that Angelo would be fine babysitting the new little one. Ang stares her down, asks if the baby were left with its mom if she would be 'babysitting'. Stammering, stunned, 'er, no'.


 So get them fed and chores done and ready for bed, teeth brushed and our youngest in bed and I decide I'm going to have a hot shower. You have kids? You know how awesome this is.

 So here I am. Its great. Stress is disappearing. I'm relaxed. And then the door cracks open and here's my youngest 'Daddy I need to pee' and oh yeah for sure go ahead, just don't flush I'll do that when I'm done.

 And she sits on the commode and its nice and quiet and all of a sudden a bit of a grunt and 'Actually (this kid's favourite word) its not a pee, its a big stinky poo'

 This is what she says.

 And her description is on the money.

 I'm fucking dying in here. Don't know if its the steam or what but its just fucking hanging there, soaking into everything. And then:

 'Oh Daddy there's poo on the floor. You'll have to wipe that up'

 No joke. And then:

 ' Er, Daddy I think you need to help wipe my bum, its pretty dirty.'

 At this point I just turn shower off. I towel down, step out. Sure enough there's a turd on the floor. So I wipe her ass and then pick that up and flush the lot of it and then she looks at me and with an aggrieved tone remarks that I have managed to get her hair wet by dripping on her.

 Jenn got home. I informed her that I have decided that when I am old and severely incontinent, that I will be living with our youngest child.

 Easy fucking decision, that.

 Hockey, meh I've got nothing. I've got something but will post in a few days, seriously.

 But for now /cracks beer, drinks deeply/.


Gerta Rauss said...

Actually Pat, you and your daughter summed up my feelings about the lockout pretty well-I don't think you need to follow up with a hockey related post at all..:)

rubbertrout said...

Priceless. Mine is only 10 months old and has yet toticulate anything beyond gibberish but I can see this conversation taking place at some point in the future.

rubbertrout said...

"articulate" Damn I wish I could type today.

Bar Qu said...

I wish I had a dollar for every bit of fecal matter I have had to remove from the floor. Rich. Add one for every week that is mental and I'd be Croesus.

I feel no problem burdening my children in my old age either, what with all the drywall repairs they cause.

I am enjoying not having to divide my attention between meaningless NHL games and family time, plus the boys and I will be taking in some WHL games tout suite.

Bar Qu said...

That last comment was meant to be more "I feel your pain" than "I pick up pieces of turd for breakfast, so suck it up" which I'm afraid is what it sounded like. Oops.

So, let me say simply, I've been there too. Insane freakin' kids.

Black Dog said...

Ha, very good Gerta.

Yes lads, good times. A round of poop for my friends!

Anonymous said...

My daughter is turning 3 in February and while potty trained as far as number 1 goes, number 2 seems like it will be a fight. Actual situation...

"Do you have to poop on the potty?"

Standing on her tip toes, grunting and holding onto the coffee table...

"Nope...ughhhh...I poop in living room."

Black Dog said...

haha that's perfect anon.

Schitzo said...

My mom gets unreasonable joy from telling people about the time I wanted to pee standing up like a big boy, dropped my pants at the toilet, and immediately pooped on the floor.