Saturday, August 27, 2011

Dirty Girl

I once dated a lovely girl one summer long ago. It was a summer fling and when fall came we went our separate ways.

It was pretty casual, we would catch a movie or go for drinks or hit the beach and then head to her place, we both knew that it was to be a shortlived thing.

When it came to between the sheets we had some good times, she was passionate and eager and a lot of fun. She wasn't a talker though, certainly not one of those women you hear about where the neighbours call in the cops because of the noise.

So one day we're hanging out on a patio on a sunny Saturday having a few cold beer, its one of those glorious summer days that you live for, one of the few things I miss about the old days before the kids, those days where you get slowly and pleasantly sloshed in the sun, watching the world ease by as your body and mind slowly get warmly numb. So we be hanging out for a few hours with nothing going on and no particular place to go on the horizon, drinking those beer and as evening comes calling we decide to head home to prepare for a night out with the gang. We get back to her place and one thing leads to another and we're rolling about and then all of a sudden out of nowhere she starts talking a mile of filth.

She was no prude and she could curse with the best of them but I had never imagined her talking like this in this situation, imagine your little old grey granny or your toddler walking in and riffing Samuel L. in Pulp Fiction and you get the idea of the surprise.

(As an aside our youngest is going to be an absolute potty mouth. Presently her favourite word is vagina, not as in 'I had a peepee with my vagina', more like 'You don't do that you vagina!')

It was crazy and a huge turnon and while 'Dirty Girl' (as I called her alterego later) didn't show up all of the time, her occasional appearance made for interesting times.



With camp right around the corner and another long year ahead of us (I believe) the question is what will get us through another Greyhound trip of a season. Will there be enough anonymous handjobs to make it worth our while. Last year started with a beauty of a game and it wound up with a bit more of the same and while the kids provided us with some thrills overall it wasn't enough to wash the bitter taste from my gullet.

What about this year then? To compare the Oilers' season to a sexual encounter is misleading because a sexual encounter is enjoyable but I'm going to run with this one anyhow because when it comes to sex, as you know, I never pass up an opportunity to use it as a metaphor, no matter how awkward. So if the Oilers' season is going to be the dullest most depressing sex that you can conjure up in your mind then what sort of scenarios will be the equivalent of said dull, depressing partner yelling at you to stick it in their ass?

There are some obvious ones. We know that barring injury we are going to get some beauty moments from Hall and Eberle, Paajarvi and Omark, moments that briefly will ease our boredom and cynicism. Ted Peckman is going to blow some guys up and bring that spirit and elan to the ice that has been missing for years. Ben Eager will viciously assault a Sedin or Kiprusoff and for a moment we will taste a little revenge for all of the years of Reghyr pounding Ales or various Canucks abusing the kids. We will get the return of Smyth and the magic of Hemsky and there will be wonderful comebacks and glory here and there.

What I am looking for though are the really out of the blue thunderbolts that will make us stand up and cheer. Right? Right? That's the whole idea of this thought process. I'm not talking a pounding of the Flames on opening night but rather something unexpected and amazing, although really that opening night last year was just that.

So here are some possibilities.

1/ Teemu Hartikainen comes up when one of the wingers in the top nine goes down and establishes himself as a bona fide option in that role.

2/ One of the kids, Lander or Hamilton most likely, gets a shot with the big club and makes the most of it, solving another problem and filling another roster spot.

3/ Nugent Hopkins not only makes the club but thrives and has an outstanding season.

4/ Dubnyk establishes himself as a true number one goalie with a very good year.

5/ One of Smid, Peckham or Petry arrives as a top four defenceman.

What say you? Any ideas on what may give you a twinkle in your eye and an extra spring in your step when you roll out of bed the next morning? ;)


kanadienkyle said...

After his recent comments, I would be excited about Hall having one of those statement games when he drags the team out of their funk and proceeds to make a Herculean effort to make them a playoff team. A week/month we can look back on and say this is where he became the Captain.

Dennis said...

Yes, this is the Pat that I cum to read;)

Seriously, I love your summer and/or whoring stories and bigger and/or less attractive ladies could get a lot more action just by tossing out the occasional piece of filthy talk.

Black Dog said...

lol Dennis, lol, as the kids say

Kyle - I'd agree except I actually expect that that will happen and would not be surprised in the least when it does.