Tuesday, January 18, 2011

After The Lawyers, Then We Take Out The Cats

I'm a dog guy, always have been, always will be. My wife is a cat person and while the death of our dear pal hit her very very hard there were a lot of times that she basically tolerated his presence. There were issues with shedding most of all (we're talking tumbleweeds of black fur, we actually had a child carried away by one) but really she did not get his essential dogginess.

Her loss of course. But despite her coming from the wrong side of the tracks, in terms of affinity to animals that is, she was convinced by the absolute genius that was Ben that we should probably get another dog, with the caveat that it should be a few years, so that the kids were a little older. Her sole worry - that this new dog might not be as wonderful as the old dog.

Yes I had definitely gone down the rabbit hole when I heard that.

Now, dogs are to cats what pie is to cake. A far far superior species. But when a couple of months after the big guy's passing my wife mentioned getting a kitten I really could not argue with her. I'm not a big fan of cats but neither was she a big fan of dogs and our marriage, like all good marriages, is built on compromise or some other bullshit like that, what can I say, as long as I'm getting some and get left alone for most of the time I don't really care to much what goes on.

Let me do my thing and give me a ride fairly frequently and I am good. That is all.

And so we got a kitten.

So far returns are mixed. The cat, like all cats, has a brain the size of a pea. I had a pretty good idea that they were fucking dumb, cats that is, but its been confirmed.

(As an aside I once gave the big guy a dog IQ test. Seriously. It included memory, problem solving, it was pretty heavy duty shit. And he aced it. Did better than the neighbour. Of course we were living in Florida at the time so that explains that.)

But yeah the cat is a fucking dummy. And its a pain in the ass. It rises pretty early some days, reminding me of those salad days when we had babies and got no sleep.

Some of this is genetic but let is also be said that our youngest likes to run around with the cat and then throw herself on top of it. She also likes throwing it in the air and cats do not always land on their feet. That's a lie.

And of course it loves me most of all. So much so that it will jump onto me and climb me so that it can perch on my head, like a little furry hat, which is probably its final destination, one that it will probably be arriving at pretty soon if all things continue as they have. Especially if it keeps doing the climbing me thing when I'm taking a piss in my boxers in the middle of the night.

No jury would convict!


Its hard to say if Steve Tambellini is a cat or a dog. I don't like him and I don't think he's very smart so I'm leaning towards the former.

I read a beauty comment somewhere the other day, something about how he was able to build an absolutely terrible team (last year) without meaning to and how he did the same this year on purpose. The problem of course is whether or not he can actually build a club that can, you now, compete.

Its a lottery pick this year again and with the Devils maybe waking up a little and Whitney going for surgery I think last overall is within striking distance.

Which means that the Oilers will have Hall and another lottery pick, perhaps first overall, to show for these last two years of misery.

And a top nine forwards that susses out like this going into next season if the Hall at centre experiment continues:


That's two lines that can probably handle tough matchups and a third that can probably handle the soft minutes. I think Omark is the key there and I believe that he is an NHL player and probably a better one than Cogliano and Brule already.

That leaves one spot and if Hall is a centre then its Landeskog if they can get him and if Hall is a winger its one of the two kid centres.

Unless its Larssen. ;)

And the emergence of Petry on the blue (yes its a small sample size but the kid looks like a player just like Tom Gilbert did - he's not a turnstile and he's got size and smarts and he does not look out of place) means that now this club looks to have five NHL defencemen of a reasonable age - Whitney, Gilbert, Peckham, Petry, Smid.

Which means that going into the summer our GM should be looking for the following:

a top nine forward
guys to fill out the fourth line who can do all of those little things
a top four D man
a starting goalie or at least someone to share duties with Dubnyk
Hemsky and Penner's signatures on extensions

Don't get that last item handled and its two or three top nine forwards. Get it done and this club is ready to grow together.

Now lets see if our man Steve can figure out where the cookie is and how to get it or if he's going to sit outside the door and bang his head against it like a moron.


LittleFury said...

Jesus, Pat: if you're pissing in your boxers at your age, the cat on your head is the least of your problems.

Woodguy said...


I think you are thinking of Matt Fenwick's latest post at Battle of Alberta.


**Here's how I imagine the conversation between Katz and Tambellini in mid-April after season's end, if Katz weren't too busy trying to get even richer in the land development business.

Katz: Well Steve, since your 2nd hiring in spring 2009, you've shown me that you can assemble a shitty team accidentally, and that you can assemble a shitty team deliberately. What do you plan to show me next? And please don't say something like, you can assemble a shitty team, while on rollerskates.

Tambellini: [silence while he assesses Katz' question]

Black Dog said...

lol LF

Woodguy - that's it! So good to see Matt back in the saddle.

Bar Qu said...

I was just thinking of one of you and your old guy as I was watching my 2-yr old pull the dog around the table by his collar, looking at me with "save me already" eyes. The kid beats up the poor creature, he loves him so much, that I feel bad for him. But barely a nip or a growl.

Tambellini has got the cushiest gig in the business. He does basically nothing, gets no accountability for his (in)actions and gets people explaining away the woes of this team to cover for his poor work.

Definitely a cat.

macaotim said...

One of your best posts ever...imo.

Perhaps Katz and (scared to say it) Lowe are geniuses. Perhaps they had a meeting and decided that they needed to tank and tank good to build a mini-dynasty. They looked high and low for the right cat for the job and in meowed Mr. T (that's a good cat name...right?) Anyway, with the tank-jobs fully mastered two years in a row, Katz is currently off getting his head measured for a new Mr.T hat.

That's the pipe dream anyway.

LittleFury said...

Difference between Tambo and a cat is that felines have the good sense to cover up their feces. They don't display it in public for 82 nights a year.

Swabbubba said...

I wish it was easy to lose all these dead contracts but alas no u get lemons u make lemonade or tequila shots until u just don't care. Like I have said before this is Rexall/Katz plan to drive the fans for all sort of remedies from his stores. Wonder if each season ticket holder gets a bottle of any medication. If they do go for the Green Nyquil pound that down and watch a game it may open your eyes...

PDO said...

Fucking Brilliant.

This team, next year, should have one goal:

Comfortably in the playoffs.

If they get rocked in the first round that's fine. But they have to get in the dance. Have to. 6th in the West should be worst case scenario.

Penner - Horcoff - Hemsky (PVP)
Paajarvi - Gagner - Omark (2nd toughs)
Landeskog - Hall - Eberle (soft)
Glencross - Lander - Reddox

Preferably you find a bigger version of Reddox, but all that really matters is that those last two wingers are both able to PK (well).

It's a young group, and hey, you're probably throwing those lines in a blender more than once, but it would fully take care of the forwards.

D is pretty straight forward too.


Go out and get a legit top 4, probably a top 2 guy. Tougher than normal because the UFA crop is thin. But a stop gap here is fine.

And then in net just hope like hell that DD can actually play.

hunter1909 said...

Hardly matters about the UFA crop, since no one wants to play for the Oilers unless they get handed a sweetheart deal from hell.

I agree with the poster who expects 6th place next season. If the "management group" seriously expect anyone to endure another season like this one, they're really out of their fucking minds.

Oh btw - Tambellini's probably a hybrid cat+dog.

Black Dog said...

Right on Bar Qu, good point about Tambo's gig and how he gets away with murder, nice work if you can get it.

And LF that may be the line of the year.

Black Dog said...

Thanks Tim, PDO.

Yeah its time to make the move to at least attempt to be competitive. Although I'm not sure Hunter, this club has been out of the playoffs five years running now and its still selling out so I think the threshold for pain is pretty high.

Having said that the building blocks look to be there. Its time to begin to add to them and at least try to be competitive.

marconiusE said...

I think I'm gonna have to go with Tambo = dog. For the simple reason that I've never met a cat that will piss on the carpet right in front of you and then sit there wagging its tail proudly expecting to be praised

(we've recently acquired a new puppy that does exactly that)

Bruce said...

Fantastic article! As both a dog- and a cat-lover, I found myself on various sides but was laughing throughout.

Btw, I have one of each at the moment, and if I had no other pet experiences in my lifetime the only possible conclusion would be that cats are much, much smarter than dogs. Let's parse that down to "some cats are smarter than some dogs".

Bruce said...

PS: I sent a link of this to my son (no, not Zorg, my other son) and he said he laughed 'til he cried.

Black Dog said...

Thanks Bruce, glad you enjoyed it.

My experience with cats is limited, really I have only 'known' three.

One was dumber than dirt, the second I really can't say because it had nothing to do with anybody and then there is this one who is not too sharp but at the least is very affectionate which is a good thing.

As for dogs I have known plenty but all three that have been part of our family were pretty clever.

So I am biased but for good reason.

Halfwise said...

Here's the deal on dogs and cats:

Dogs think you're God.

Cats think they're God.

Not much else to it, really.