Thursday, November 25, 2010

I Accept All Of Your Conditions

A number of years ago I was out with a couple of buddies and the one fellow says that if you put a jellybean into a jar every time you had sex with your girlfriend and then once you got married you took one out every time you had sex you would never empty the jar.

I was all like, jellybeans?

I fucking love jellybeans. Love them.

Now here's the thing and I'm sure the married fellows out there will agree. Its not marriage that does in the sex life, its the arrival of kids on the scene. Which is kind of ironic when you think about it. You come home after hockey with a few pints in you, the wife has had some wine, next thing you know you're doing the eee-eee eee-eee and the result, the baby, puts the damper on the situation repeating itself. The will is there but its finding the time and the energy that is the problem.

That's irony, right? I always find myself questioning the whole irony thing ever since Alanis called a bunch of nonironic things ironic. If you have ten thousand spoons and no knives that's not ironic, that's plain old mental illness. And rain on your wedding day?

Its called the weather.

Now I can't complain, let me start by saying this. My wife enjoys a little roll in the hay as much as I do, the issue is that same old song, men and women are different. A buddy of mine was telling me how one night with the kids abed he and his wife were watching a movie and she turns to him and asks if he wants to have sex and here's the thing for all two or three women who read this, if there are that many.

You don't ever have to ask a guy if he wants to have sex. Give me a sock and some lotion and I'll figure something out, ok. We get repetitive strain disorders from masturbating. Its the way we are wired. I will be on the subway coming home from work and I will have to hold my coat in front of my crotch because I am thinking of a time we had sex six years ago.

As my pal said, she could have whipped out a fifty page contract and he would not even have read it. He would have said 'I accept all of your conditions', signed the bottom and dropped his pants.

Always ready and willing. And you know what? It doesn't change. When Jenn moved down to Florida I had been there for a few months already. I got us an apartment and after she arrived we went to visit my grandmother who lived a short distance away with her second husband. About a decade before he had suffered a massive stroke which had robbed him of his speech and had done a lot of damage to his body but not his mind. He was three months short of ninety at this time, two months away from the stroke that would finally lay him low but he was still sharp. His mind was all there. And apparently his libido as well.

So we arrive and now Jenn is twenty three at this time, all legs and beautiful body and flashing eyes and ok you get the picture. And she comes in and I introduce her and as my grandmother talks to her I look over at Walter and he is staring at her like he's about ready to leap out of his wheelchair and he catches me looking at him and he grins and winks and nods.

Apparently nothing but death can keep a good man, er, down.


I missed the first period on Tuesday night which sounds like it was a good thing to do but I caught the last two periods and the funny thing is that even though the Coyotes put the boots to them in the end I had no problem with what I saw of the Oilers' game. They're shitty alright but here they were playing a pretty good club and while the game was in the balance they had two lines that were putting it to Phoenix pretty good. They didn't get anything to show for it but both the Horcoff and the Hemsky lines gave their opponents fits.

Of course the problem is that you can't roll two lines in the NHL because when those guys weren't on the ice things went off the rails.

Renney's complaints after the game echoed, for me at least, the lamentations of Craig MacTavish and Pat Quinn. Tom you can ream the players all you want but you've been dealt a bum hand allround. You need two more lines of useful players and a couple of more D and then maybe you can compete. Right now running this lineup out there is like taking a knife to a gunfight. You can't win. You realize that right? You're fucked. Just like we are.

As pointed out elsewhere Dave Tippett could run out line after line of useful veteran players, guys who could hold their own against the Oilers' best and run roughshod over Cogliano and the fourth line as well as the makeshift D.

And so it comes back to the same old story for the Oilers. Not enough good players. I know, I know, obvious, right? But for all the talk of filling holes here and there it comes down to the fact that Edmonton has bled quality for five years now and hasn't replaced barely a one who has left. Lupul begets Pitkanen who begets Cole who begets O'Sullivan and now its Vandermeer.

My God.

Its between this team and the Isles for that coveted first pick and so it will be Larsson or Couturier who will get picked next summer I believe.

And at that point will the monkeys begin to actually add quality to this club or will they tank another season?

Here's the thing. They are far away but really the gap can be bridged if management is smart. All signs point to them not being smart but work with me here. Believe for a minute. Suspend all disbelief.

Presently there are six top nine forwards on this club. Horcoff. Hemsky. Penner. Gagner. Eberle. Hall. And yes I realize that Hall and Eberle are works in progress.

I think that we can all agree that while Paajarvi has struggled he probably has a bright future and so can be pencilled in as well.

So you need two more top nine guys, maybe more if Hemsky and Penner walk but lets not think about that right now. Two more top nine players.

And based on the fact that your top nine is green you probably want more than your normal filler on the fourth line. Now it seems that Renney has taken a dislike to Stortini for God who knows why so our friend from Elliot Lake may be shown the door along with Cogliano and Brule when the time comes. And Jacques and Fraser and MacIntyre are all pretty well pointless as far as I am concerned. Jones is alright but he cannot win a draw or PK so .....

And of course there is the D which is a shambles as we knew it would be. Poor Tom Gilbert started the season well and then it went ino the ditch and I've never seen a guy with the yips so bad. And after a dozen or so bad games folks are ready to run a quality NHL defender out of town so hey, maybe Edmonton fans are getting what they deserve really. But I digress. I mean the guy doesn't hit right? Get rid of him.

Smid and Peckham may top off as a 5/6 or they may get better but right now this club is short two serious quality blueliners. We knew this coming in and one wonders what the plan is. Do they hang in there and wait for Plante and Petry to come of age? Is Larsson the target if they have a shot or do they go for the big centre?

And what of Penner and Hemsky? Third period of the last game, down four, on two successive rushes it was Gagner and then Hemsky who busted their asses coming back to break up a dangerous situation. On the last goal it was Penner who was seen to be left wanting as he cruised into the zone and while that doesn't bother me as much as it would bother some, I am guessing amongst the some bothered would be his coach and probably the general manager. If I were a betting man I would bet that Penner is going to get sent away for a young Dman if they can get him.

Not saying its right, far from it, but I'm thinking they put their money on Ales, if he'll have them, and that's how it plays out.

Which means we're short another NHL player up front.

Round and round she goes.

In any case, back to point as it were. A look at the list of UFAs and you can find a lot of quality NHLers who won't break the bank. Fiddler. Glencross. Dvorak. Reasoner. Fedotenko. Belanger. Sjostrom. Brent. Asham. Nichol. Halpern. Konopka. Thoresen. Dupuis. Hejda. Wallin.
Surely to god you can pick up two or three of these guys and get this club on the road to recovery, no? Sjostrom, for example. Buddy kills penalties and works like a dog and blocks shots and you could do a lot worse.

We can see how you can do a lot worse every time the Oilers hit the ice.


Vic Ferrari said...

The Oil were absolutely dominated in the first. Dennis' scoring chances will surely show that when he gets them up. Tippett teams play to the score.

And the Yotes are suffering at D due to injury. Morris and Yandle were hard matched with the Hemsky line. Lepisto and Ekman-Larsson vs Horcoff and the kids. A week or so ago the latter pair were healthy scatches and/or AHL demotions.

The Oilers just don't have the puck enough. They have some good prospects, and they're playing them a bunch ... so it's brilliant moments followed by bad minutes chasing the play around in their own end. They have a winning streak in them yet, and a couple more losing streaks, but this just won't end well.

Having said that, Hemsky is worth the price of admission.

Black Dog said...

Vic - yeah I know the first was bad, what was it 20-4 they were outshot? Something like that.

They had their chances in the second and third though. A break or two although once Phoenix scored on the PP you had to figure it was over.

Hemsky really is something and I enjoy watching Eberle and Hall as well, especially the former. Smart kid.

But as a team its the same as its been for years now. Not enough guys who can win the puck battles. Too many guys who the play dies with.

When you say winning streak, does two count as a streak? I can't see these guys beating too many clubs although their December schedule is certainly easier than November's.

LittleFury said...

I didn't see the game, but it's interesting you don't hear more about the Coyotes model for a rebuild. Good mix of kids and vets and most of all they seem to be a well-coached team on the rise. Don't know if they'll ever be a Cup contender, but they'll make the playoffs which is a shitload more than some can say. Them and Nashville seem to have figured out two important things: you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket and having a GM who isn't a gas huffer is a good thing.
When it comes to the Oil, I'm having a hard time figuring out why anyone would be watching this team right now (other than those who are doing the stats work. Those guys should get a fucking medal.) Maybe I'm just not as big a fan as some, but I don't see the draw in watching the kids take their first steps when I know in a couple of eyars they'll be even better and hopefully not surrounded by as puke-worthy a roster as they are right now. Really how many of these guys will be around in two years? Three?

There's a buncha guys at LTs arguing about belle vs. Strudwick, which makes abouut as much sense as arguing about Atari versus Colecovision in this day and age.

Darren said...

"he and his wife were watching a movie and she turns to him and asks if he wants to have sex"

It's even better when you are the one trying to get it started, making your move and making it obvious and then she turns to you
"Are you horny?"
No honey, I randomly feel up every person I meet!

Irony of kids, indeed!

Good Muckin' Tonite said...

Caught the 2nd half of Tuesday's game with some buddies and couldn't help but think that the score wasn't reflecting the game. That being said, the whole Oiler offense came from the perimeter and nobody going to the net for rebounds. Last night's game a bit better with 2 of 3 goals coming from within a few feet of the crease but still an obvious need at both ends to get noses dirty around the nets. Still all comes back to finding some pieces who bring that "hard to play against" side. I had Penner's back for a long time but it kills me to watch a guy that huge play on the outside.

E said...

i am a woman, and i read this. it is the single biggest thing persuading me that moving back to ontario and playing domestic might not be as stultifying as i had previously imagined it would be.

Black Dog said...

lol Darren

GMT - I like Penner a lot but I can see why folks get frustrated with him, he tossed a few guys around last night and you just wish you could see that every night. He is still an effective player but if he could be consistently angry it would be nice. Not in his makeup though I guess.

Black Dog said...

LF - well I'd say you're a pretty big fan seeing as you came out to see the Barons and you're still hanging out in these parts

The team is brutal but I like hockey and they are my team so I watch them. Now I don't seek them out as much as I used to when I can't get them on regular TV. I don't work as hard to see them play I guess. But I like to watch them to see what's happening. Last night had that terrific finish and I love watching a guy like Peckham play so there always seems to be something going on.

Thanks E! Ontario isn't what it used to be. Not too long ago I think we're talking Utah but its a different place now and not just Toronto. Even the smaller centres are a little more interesting now. You might need to work at it a little but its not the same as it once was.

Thank God! ;)

Bruce said...

In the animal kingdom a male lion entering a new, uh, domestic situation will kill the babies to refire the libido of the missus. It's a reproduction strategy: my cubs, not his.

In the human kingdom, the babies kill the libido and that's that. It's a survival strategy: less competition at the table.