Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Kaptain Horcov


I must now write you to offer salute for your achievement of today. I know it has been long time since I have sent you letter, I admit I am like little girl, I was disappointed in you and so I went into angry snit, much like, well, little girl. As you know though Communist Party is my party and I will cry if I want to.

Ah, I very much enjoy old American music. And I make good pun, no? Who says I have no sense of humour? Nobody says that because if they did I would have them shot in forest and buried in shallow grave.

Haha I am kidding again, unluckily I was born in wrong time in history which is unfortunate and frustrating for me.

It has been difficult year since our last correspondence Comrade. In city of Vancouver we did not do so well. I blame degenerate Canadians, as I must. I am knowing that Ovechkin and Malkin and all of the rest were led astray by Canadian hippy girls with their flowers in their hair and their Mary Jane and their sexual revolutionary attitudes. It was obvious when we fell short time and time again and especially in disaster of quarter final that our heads were not in game. I did blame you, I must admit, when your identity was revealed by chronic masturbator Pat McLean all of our plans went off the road, like top notch automobile Lada we were left spinning our wheels, belly up in ditch. The players were demoralized by the loss of our secret agent man and unlike in old days we could not stiffen spines by shooting one of them.

Ah I miss the old days Comrade.

And so they collapsed like Polish cavalry charging Panzers. I blame you. Well just a little. Mostly I blame decadent West for turning our once great hockey playing giants into porno watching, pudding eating, coca cola drinking fat losers. It was disaster for motherland on par with any of cheesy early eighties movies when tiny little Stallone single handedly defeated Russian divisions with single machine gun and snarling stupid face.

You tell me comrade, how is it that West has not collapsed in on itself when Sylvester Stallone is icon of cinema. I could believe Brad Pitt with his movie star good looks or Bogart with oh so cool attitude but Stallone? He is tiny little man and he grunts like pig in mud and yet we are to believe that Janine Turner who is tall and lovely is into him? Or redheaded Julianne Moore with her lovely breasts. She is true redhead comrade let em tell you. I saw Short Cuts. And even underrated Madeline Stowe who was also in Short Cuts and she too was naked!

God I miss Robert Altman.

It is unbelievable to me, this Stallone, but is another example of foolish West and how they stoop to low common denomination.

But not now Comrade. Ah! Ah? Let me be telling you that I have been drinking very good vodka since I received news that you are new captain of Edmonton hockey club. Yes just the best in celebration of excellent choice. I am giddy comrade, so much so that I have been shouting out window 'how its going?' to all comrades that are walking by. I am kidding you not.

I have to admit that I had my doubts about you comrade after your foolishness of last season, injuring yourself in arm wrestling match with enormous Penner, throwing away all of our plans like worthless rubles into the wind howling down from Urals. I thought that big contract had made you soft like typical Westerner, sitting on houseboat in Shuswap, spending sunny days drinking beer and eating sausages and cheeseburgers while puckbunnies doted on your every burp and fart as you scratched your growing hairy gut.

But I was thinking that perhaps I was wrong. I knew that even though you were saddled with enormous deadweight Jacques and aptly named POS that if you had wanted to you could have lifted them onto your shoulders and scored many goals singlehandedly even though dragging those two around the ice would have been like dragging Berlin Wall around behind you.

Ah I miss the Berlin Wall. Good times Comrade.

And so I had a thought that you might be up to something. And then I began to read about former captain Moreau on the cheezie stained blog posts and how he was Cancer which was silly because everyone knows he was Capricorn and then I said Aha! now I understand, there is leak in room, which is apropos considering state of goaltending on that club. And I know who it was comrade! You sly capitalist running dog! And then Moreau was exiled to Ohio BJs which makes me giggle because it reminds me of time at Dacha with Bulgarian prositute.

Much like Lenin arriving on sealed train from West to topple the Tsar so did you overthrow government of Oilers. Cruel and merciless you were, just like all great men in history of party. You spared no one. Doddering old coach was gone with his onions and his belts. So too were other organization men, even man who sharpens skates and rubs linament on players, all gone. A purge worthy of Stalin, just with not as much blood. Staios sent away to rot in stinking town in south of Alberta. Players who like to have sex with dogs, like Nilsson, gone. Even son of great old blogger Lowetide sent away to Tampa which is not all that great you know, as they say it is Oakland with beaches. And today the most funny of all, the Big Sexy sent to play hockey in Hershey. Ha Ha, Big Sexy, see how many beautiful women are there in town like Hershey, I think you would see similar to Russian peasants there with thick ankles and hairy backs. Enjoy that, you will be not very big sexy very soon I think. You will be fat from eating chocolate bars! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And so comrade congratulations. Of course being captain of Oilers is like being leader of Estonia, it is really small potatoes. But they make vodka from potatoes so that is a good thing. Speaking of vodka, excuse me while I yell How its going out of my window.

I am back Comrade. You are doing motherland proud with this coup even though it will be difficult year I am afraid. Just remember that even we retreated for years before we had Germans sucked in and then we crushed them. Perhaps this will be how it goes for you. Then again maybe you will be just like Poland, swallowed up like nothing, fated for centuries of suffering. Let us hope not although I am thinking with Tambellini and Lowe still in charge that you are perhaps much like hero of great patriotic war who perishes in futile attempt to defeat overwhelming odds because of blunders of generals above you.

I mean seriously, three goaltenders? Nobody carries three goaltenders except Edmonton Oilers hockey club, three times in last six seasons now. What the hell are they thinking? Why is ADD still on roster, he looks like Khrushchev banging shoe on table. He is like gigantic insect having spasms.

Ah I miss Comrade Khrushchev banging his shoe and shouting nonsense.

I cannot wait to see you skate out on ice with K stitched onto your chest comrade. I am not sure what your end game is here. Don't get me wrong I can understand the lust for power but as I said before, Estonia. Sorry but it is the truth. Having said that I do admire a good bloodless putsch, although I prefer a bloody coup myself, and so you are to be commended. Perhaps there is hope for you yet.

Your pal,



Ribs said...


pboy said...

As you know though Communist Party is my party and I will cry if I want to.

That's a great line.

td.slvr said...

You sir, may be a cheezie stained chronic masturbator, but you are a genius cheezie stained chronic masturbator.

May Julianne Moore dote on your every burp and fart.

Scratch your growing hairy gut with pride.

Great post.

Anonymous said...

I wish I'd written this.

Chappy said...

Bloody brilliant.

Thanks for this.

Halfwise said...

The A game of BDHS.

footnote; word verification for me was "domanuta". There may have been leather implied...

macaotim said...

I love you Vladdy!

Pete. said...

Haha, awesome. Great way to start the day.

Word verification: "tandlyw", which sounds suspiciously Russian. Like Novaya Zemlya, or Kolyma (which is more or less where Souray got sent).

Harlie said...

Shoot Komrade Kiev...ohh ohhh...cuz he's the BOY IN THE BOXXXX!

Harlie said...

oh yeah...and the following is a link to possibly the coolest Russian art that I or modern art that is being done right now that I have ever seen.

p.s - the basic tenant or meaning of "Hermetic" is "as above, so below" which is evident in this artwork

uni said...

And so they collapsed like Polish cavalry charging Panzers.

One of the funniest lines I've read.

Also between you and your love of redheads with spectacular breasts, and LT's love of leggy brunettes I think we're covered when it comes to appreciation of beautiful women on hockey blogs.

Swabbubba said...

great post Comrade... I would die if they stitched a K on Horcoff for real. Kind of like the blender being over used now.

Now to retire with some chilled Pepper vodka to watch the plan unfold. Where are we in this 5 year plan?

Mr DeBakey said...

Andrew said...

hahahahahaha amazing!

Word verification: ralin. Like Stalin...

Coach pb9617 said...

This is unbelievable. Amazing stuff.

Black Dog said...

Thanking you all, I am here for all of the week, try the borscht!

Mr D. - I get nothing from that link - no photo

Swabb - if its five year plan I think we're in year one where we just starved all of the peasants to death

Or something like that

B.C.B. said...

Man I miss Robert Altman too; to bad he didn't do a film about a gigantic insect having spasms, starring Diane Lane.

doritogrande said...

No comment on the capitalistic purchse of his ACME rocketskates?

Mr DeBakey said...

Bloody thing works for me
Maybe my computer is special

Black Dog said...

Must have been the link, that worked fine

speeds said...

I have never seen Short Cuts, but absolutely loved Nashville.

speeds said...

Oops, didn't finish my comment before posting.

Is Short Cuts worth seeing, nudity aside?

Black Dog said...

Definitely speeds, its been years since I saw it but it was quite good. Pretty typical Altman which to me is a good thing.

S.Dallas said...

Great post. I don't visit here often enough.

Re: "Short Cuts" - it is a fine film, but Altman's "The Player" is downright remarkable.

The picture of Julianne you posted is even finer still :)

David S said...


Hey Giorgy!

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