Friday, April 16, 2010

The Sex Talk




The other night the wife was out for a run (not as in ran out of the house screaming, an actual run, because she's mental) and I was wrangling the Lollipop Guild into eating their vegetables when all of a sudden our eldest asked me where babies came from.

And so began the first sex talk.

I sat down and steeled myself and then I told the boy to go downstairs and get me a beer. Because if you're going to talk about sex then alcohol should be involved some how. Its just apropos.

I took a swig and then I got right to it with the old 'The penis goes into the vagina' thing, which they both thought was hilarious, as do I. When we stopped laughing I mentioned that oral wasn't a bad idea, not necessary, but certainly enjoyable and appreciated. As for anal, well I couldn't help them with that but they might talk to their Uncle Mike and Auntie Sue about that.

I kid I kid, those people don't even exist.

Anyhow, penis into the vagina and all that jazz and then the man squirts liquid out (I called it goo, I mean they're six and four, see?) and the sperm swim to the egg and away you go. The boy had actually taken a book on the body out of the library so I was able to show them where everything goes and all of the little parts and all of that. There was even a picture of sperm. So they got the full idea. Some of the questions asked and comments made:

Is this goo like jello?

No, not at all, more like tapioca.

Does the sperm hang onto the penis with its tail?

No, Explanation follows of how there are millions of them etc, greatly aided by the boy's book.

I'm going to make a baby with Mommy,

No. They do that in Kentucky. We don't live in Kentucky.

So I can have sex with a friend from my school then.

Not until you're twenty five. And maybe not even then.

I also emphasized over and over again that Mommy and Daddy made their baby sister in one shot and probably the boy in one as well. Our oldest took probably two, maybe three rolls to get it done.

In other words you can make a baby very easily. Based on your parents' record of achievements you might want to be very very careful.

Anyhow it was pretty straight forward and not very painful. I grew up without getting taught a thing, learning about sex from Penthouse Forum and my buddies who had older brothers. Even today everytime I'm in a hayloft with a distant cousin or a babysitter or a neighbour I get a little bit horny and weird. Its true. Ask anyone who knows me.

Sex crazed weirdo. Chronic masturbator. Always hounding my wife for a little bit of the ee-ee ee-ee.

This is just the beginning of course. The wife came back from the run and I told her and she began to grill me. Did you tell them this? Did you tell them that? My God they're going to tell everyone at school. And the boy?! He's only four. You told him it was fun? He's going to be trying to have sex with everyone.

Like father, like son.

Yes, I said, he's going to be having sex with everyone because he always has a lot of alone time with little girls. HE'S FOUR!!!

Lots of work yet, lots of questions to answer but I think Dad did alright.

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Steve Tambellini didn't do as great a job the other day. Now he's working from a position of weakness here, first of all. I'm flipping from game to game here and have watched a lot of playoff hockey these past few nights. Its been really terrific. Just now Crosby has put the Pens up two to one with a ridiculous display of puckhandling that ended in a Letang goal. On top of this he has scored a goal and swept one away from his own goalline. And this is pretty standard stuff. So when I see that only three teams have not experienced the playoffs in the last four seasons and the Oilers are one of them it kind of makes me a little sour.

And he's not Senor Charisma either. And that does count for something in one of these deals. Any emotion seems forced. He's not a good speaker. And based on some of what he says he is either not being completely truthful or he believes things that are, well, a little frightening for an Oilers' fan.

When I was talking to my kids I wanted to be a number of things with them. I wanted to be honest with them and with myself. I wanted to be clear. I wanted to make sure that they understood.

If I was Steve Tambellini I'd want to try and follow those principles. Now I don't expect him to spill his guts up there. The idea that an NHL GM should always tell the truth is a naive one, I think. Its not in the best interests of the club for him to be so.

But right now this club has a problem. Four years ago they were a goal away from winning the Cup and since they have bled NHL players at an alarming rate. There has been all kinds of playoff turnover and a coaching change and all that has happened is that the team has gotten worse.

All of this rests on management. Nobody else.

Oiler fans are patient. They love their club. There are still a few out there who are doing the old 'Ha ha' when they look down the highway. 'Look at Calgary', they say. What a disaster!'

Of course this is absolute foolishness. The Flames have gone off the rails but I have a hard time criticizing a club that made the playoffs five straight years. They didn't win anything but neither did twenty four other clubs. Its hard to win the Cup.

You know how its really hard to win the Cup? When you never make the playoffs. If you make it, you have a shot. If you don't you don't. So you might want to make the playoffs if you want to win the Cup. Its just a crazy thought. And criticizing franchises that get that shot regularly while ours does not at all. Not too bright really. We're the bottom of the barrel here folks.

Anyways Steve, you can pick any model that you want but you should pick one and then get on it.

Derek Zona looked at a lot of what Tambellini said in great detail and he and Tyler and LT do a far better job than I could in parsing out what he said.

The biggest issue for me with Oilers' management is that I don't believe that they know what they are doing. I feel this way because of the past four summers and the past four seasons and I think that my skepticism is pretty well earned. I'm an optimist by nature but these guys have worn my optimism to a nub.

And this was the problem with the press conference. I cannot say that Tambellini was dishonest because I don't think that he was at all. I just think that he was confused and unclear and the whole muddle that he muttered makes me think that he just does not get it.

I don't care that he talked up Khabibulin. What else is he going to do? That's his signature move so far as GM.

I'll wait until there are moves in management before I try and read into his comments about development and drafting and all of that. I've liked the drafting recently with only a couple of exceptions and I haven't liked how they have handled their youngsters for the most part so I guess we'll just see who he throws under the bus.

What worries me most is that this team this year is the team that he built and just like last year's club their evaluation of what they had was way off. By trading for Lubo and Cole two summers ago it was clear that they thought they could compete. Why trade a second round pick to rent Kotalik if not? And then last summer the pursuit of Khabibulin and Heatley shows that they believed the same.

If Hemsky and Khabibulin and a couple of other guys had remained healthy this would have been a mediocre team again and there would have been no talk of a rebuild. A lot went wrong for this club to finish thirtieth and as Ty says, what happens next season if they win a pile of shootouts and get some luck and finish a strong tenth? Do we see kids shipped out for vets again? More whale hunting?

They have not had a clear vision of where this club is at in years. This is a huge problem.

That was my biggest problem with the presser. The waffling. It was injuries. It wasn't the injuries. The need for size and grit and someone who can win faceoffs, same as last season. The need for a culture change. The need for change. Weasel words. Political words. The need for depth, same as last season.

I'm not from Missouri but show me, Steve, show me that you know what you are doing because I don't think that you do.

You know what this team needs? Same as it did last summer and every summer since June 19, 2006.

You remember that team that almost won the Cup? You know what they had? A lot of good players.

That's what the Edmonton Oilers need. Draft them. Trade for them. Sign them. Good players at every position. There used to be a ton of them in Edmonton and some of them didn't sign and some were traded for picks and some were traded for flawed prospects and some were traded for bad players. Some were just allowed to walk away even though they wanted to be Oilers.

Good players.

Show me that you understand that. Come this September have more than three or four forwards who can play in both ends of the rink. Do you get that? Never mind guys who can win faceoffs or guys with size and grit or guys who can kill penalties.

Get some good fucking players. For some reason you boneheads can't figure it out. Its pretty simple. Stop mumbling and get on it. Start getting some good players.

Like sex its complicated but not really when you get right down to it.

Now fix it! Its that simple. Fix it or stop your mumbling and get the fuck out of town.

16 comments:

Coach pb9617 said...

So I can have sex with a friend from my school then.

I can't stop giggling.

Coach pb9617 said...

You remember that team that almost won the Cup? You know what they had? A lot of good players.

That's what the Edmonton Oilers need. Draft them. Trade for them. Sign them. Good players at every position. There used to be a ton of them in Edmonton and some of them didn't sign and some were traded for picks and some were traded for flawed prospects and some were traded for bad players. Some were just allowed to walk away even though they wanted to be Oilers.

Good players.

Show me that you understand that. Come this September have more than three or four forwards who can play in both ends of the rink. Do you get that? Never mind guys who can win faceoffs or guys with size and grit or guys who can kill penalties.

Get some good fucking players. For some reason you boneheads can't figure it out. Its pretty simple. Stop mumbling and get on it. Start getting some good players
.

But they need to love the Oildrop first.

Culture, after all, is a sign of an enlightened workforce.

hunter1909 said...

Losing out on Taylor Hall is the last fucking thing I need.

macaotim said...

This is the best thing I have read...maybe ever. It's a comedy, a tragedy, a porno, a horror show, a love story all at once. It's also a well written scathing review of a pin-head. Well done.

As far as the Oil. I am curious to see which of the kids stick with the club. We might not be too far from a decent team. A healthy mix of young talent and "good fucking players" might surprise us next year. At least I'd have interest in watching. As it stands, we picked a good couple of years to live on a different continent!

Chappy said...

I'm going to make a baby with Mommy,


No. They do that in Kentucky. We don't live in Kentucky.

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Nailed that one.

Ribs said...

...he was confused and unclear...

What? he said "clarity" like 6 times! Surely the assessment is complete! Now we can get started!

Scott Reynolds said...

Great post Pat. I'm confident that the "rebuild" plan has everything to do with finishing dead last and wanting to create an atmosphere where failure is acceptable. It has very little to do with where he thinks the team is on talent. I'd be interested to know how many points he thinks this team would have had if they hadn't had all the injuries. That could have been a beauty question.

Bruce said...

"Clarity" is a concept that would be a lot easier to reconcile if it came from the mouth of somebody who could string a coherent sentence together.

mike w said...

Always hounding my wife for a little bit of the ee-ee ee-ee.

Another plaque-worthy turn of phrase.

As for that pile of dusty crap known as the Oilers, I simply cannot be a fan until they clean house. That this isn't openly talked about within the local media is idiotic.

I want to see Staples do a feature on their bad moves, concluding that people need to be fired, and I want to see it as an actual print article in the paper. Even Dan Barnes pulls his punches and it's annoying.

Black Dog said...

coach - what are you giggling about? Do you not have a daughter? God man I am very afraid.

Thanks Tim.

Scott - that's exactly right but as Mike says the beauty questions don't exactly get asked.

I would have really liked to have seen some grilling. I think his head would have exploded.

mike w said...

I also find the similarity of drippy, cliched insult-your-intelligence speech patterns between Katz and Tambellini highly disturbing.

Black Dog said...

Oh yeah? How many Cups have you won?!?!?!?!?!??!

I find that fact highly disturbing.

Baroque said...

Pfft. He's a four-year-old with a four-year-old's attention span and retention. When he gets older you will have a chance to rectify any discrepancies in your account. :)

hunter1909 said...

I'd tell kids the stork brought them and shut them up fast.

Dennis said...

That cracked me up Pat.

It will be cool if you can save all these items and then when your kids grow up they'll be able to read this and try and compare and contrast to their memories of the events.

Black Dog said...

Thanks Dennis.

Yeah its turning into a bit of a family history, huh? I need to talk to someone who has more computer smarts than me and figure out a way of compiling all of this somewhere.