Thursday, February 04, 2010

Cleaning House

This morning my wife called to inform me that the big fellow had thrown up and that the slight slant in our kitchen floor and the consistency of the upchuck had resulted in a kitchen floor covering layer of vomitous.

And while we live in a little old duplex built in the 1920s we have a nice sized kitchen. Its bigger than the standard 50s/60s bungalow kitchens that you, if you grew up like me, would be familiar with.

That's a lot of puke.

Not the most disgusting thing the big guy has ever done. Why just the other day I was changing the baby (eighteen months now, so maybe not so much a baby) when a big old turd got away from me and he snatched it up like it was a lollipop.

He's never done that before. I guess as you get older you start to shed the remnants of your dignity. I certainly am.

And there was the time back when he was a pup when he snatched up a just used rubber (again, yes I am old, who says rubber anymore?) and tore off down the hall of my apartment. He gulped it down and passed it a day later.

Top of the pops though was also when he was a puppy and he found a pack of Halls in my jeans pocket. I was unaware of this until I found nine little wrappings in the corner of my bedroom. I was unaware of the effect until I came home and found shit splattered all over the wall, as if Jackson Pollack had been working in my living room or an axe murderer or perhaps the Polish police had unloaded on protesters with a water cannon fall of feces.

Seriously. That was fucking beyond.

My wife barely tolerates the big fellow and normally I'm the cleaning crew but she needed to use the kitchen so she didn't wait for me to come home but I'm going to be subjected to a number of comments about 'your dog', I am sure.

Comes with the territory.


Despite the Flyers seriously outchancing the Oilers last night the good guys pulled out a win and while they had some serious luck on their side, or ADD did anyhow, I wasn't really that impressed with Philadelphia. These guys were supposed to be contenders? Oh please. Colour me unimpressed.

ADD getting all kinds of love today but the reality is the fucker is never good, he just gets lucky now and then. Every once in a while the shit just hits him or the posts and stays out but he looks like me dancing to Bust A Move after about fifteen beers when he's between the pipes, that is he looks like a spaz on the crank.

Get rid of him. Need to replace him? Here's how. Go down to your nearest Just Hockey. First guy who comes to the cash carrying a goalie stick, sign him up.

Its audition time and the first thing I'd do if I were management is to play every defenceman who is not in the plans on Lubo's flank for a while and then move them along. First Grebs and then Smid and now Chorney have looked like world beaters playing with that little waterbug.

Really though they need to decide what the fuck gives. I have not the first iota of confidence in the dunces captaining the Oilers' ship so my guess is that even if they manage to unload some serious contracts between now and next September they'll probably blow all that space immediately. Its been obvious since June 19th 2006 that THERE IS NO PLAN and so why do we think there would be one now.

What they are trying to do requires some decisionmaking, again not an apparent strong suit.

Is this going to be a full out teardown or are they going for the quick turnaround? If its a 'burn it to the ground deal' then move the players that you can get value for but otherwise who gives a shit if Moreau and Staios are in the lineup next season if its going to cost you a pick to get someone to take them on? Seriously. Its not like this club has a bunch of guys pushing up from the AHL to take Moreau's job anyhow, right?

And despite what Pierre Maguire says, that absolute moron, the idea that MPS and Eberle HAVE to be in the lineup next season is his usual horseshit. Remember that this is the guy who called MPS an elite first line NHLer right now and a guy who would be the Oilers' best forward right now.

God help me, Pierre is a stupid stupid man. He'll say anything that pops into the dim bulb of his. If the AHL was good enough for Getzlaf and Perry and Parise, even briefly, then its probably good enough for the up and coming golden boys.

So there are less than thirty games left. Here is what I would do if I were GM.

Teardown or not one of the biggest issues for the Oilers is that they have not put kids in a position to succeed. They play kids out of position, with other kids, with bad players.

So first thing is to put some kids in the minors to learn their craft. Now this is going to depend on the major league roster. If MPS is good enough to play in the NHL and there is a spot for him where he is going to have quality linemates and he will be sheltered then stick him in there. If not then ship him out. Same with Eberle, Vande Velde, Nash, whomever.

Sending them up to be massacred makes no sense. Put together a strong minor league club with vets to help them out and let them learn to be pros down there.

It should be the same everywhere. Filter a couple of kids up and see how they do. Guys who are near the end of their rope - Reddox, Jacques, Pouliot, Potulny, Stone - well these guys have to have decisions made on them, either keep them in the show or on the farm or cut them loose for good. Guys who are tweeners - Chorney - give him more icetime in the bigs or a roster spot if he has earned it. Guys who aren't in the plans by the looks of it - cut them loose if you can get something for them and if you have a replacement that can shave. If you do not then keep them, Seriously. You need roster filler. May as well be Nilsson rather than throwing Eberle to the wolves. Unless you really want to crap out properly. Then you get rid of Nilsson and replace him with Linglet. If you want to tank do it right. Of course do that and then you risk Penner and Hemsky wanting out, assuming you want to keep the two of them down the road. I would or at least I would with Ales.

So for next year this is my goal:

1/ Ensure that my young players are in a position to succeed. This is most important.

2/ Surround my NHL youngsters with veteran players. Depending on breaks it may mean a playoff spot, although this is unlikely. At the very least I do want to be competitive. Losing sixty games isn't going to help me. If I'm bad and based on what I have on my roster right now I will be then I'll end up with a top ten pick anyhow.

3/ Ensure that I am is a good cap position for 2011/2012.

4/ Separate the wheat from the chaff.

Tomorrow night: specifics, player by player.


Anonymous said...

I totally thought your story was about your son at first. Relieved to realize it's the dog.

macaotim said...

A few thoughts:

1. I have a dog. My wife is dogless.

2. You plagiarize my thoughts..."And despite what Pierre Maguire says, that absolute moron, the idea that (fill in the next bit with anything that jerk-off says) is just fucking dumb." I have said this exact quote on 4 continents.

3. I have a German Shorthaired Pointer...good nose, bad results. Worst ever, she ate a Costco-sized container of Penaten Cream. That was a difficult clean to be sure.

4. "Pierre is a stupid stupid man."

Yes, yes he is.

Scott Reynolds said...

Great story about the dog. I don't have a dog and never will but they can be pretty hilarious creatures.

While I like most elements of your plan for the Oilers, I struggle with any plan that comes into a season with the idea that somewhere around 11th or 12th in the conference is the most reasonable result. There's a big difference between 1st or 2nd OV in the draft and 7th or 8th. If you're going to take next year off, you may as well go with the Linglet version.

Black Dog said...

Scott - still figuring it out but my guess is if all goes well they end up in twelfth.

If all goes well.

What are the chances of that?

Good stuff Tim.

doritogrande said...

How dare you compare the saviours Eberle and MPS to terrible "stars" like Getzlaf? These guys are to Edmonton what Crosby! and Malkin were to Pittsburgh. They're just that good! Strong Legs! Warriors! Monsters! AHHHHH *cums*

Note that he also mentioned notable "goal scorer" Anton Lander as needing to be in Edmonton next year.

Don't you love wordfarts?

Traktor said...

The worst thing we can do is try to make the playoffs next year.

Forget playoffs. Forget DFF.

The focus should be on making smart business decisions and let where we finish in the standings take care of itself.

I'm extremely worried that management is going to do everything in their power to make the playoffs next year and we're going to sacrifice a ton of future to fill needs.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't fill needs...

I'm just scared the way Tambellini/Lowe will fill needs will be like giving a starving family a steak & lobster meal.

The next day the family is going to be starving again but we spent all our fucking money on steak on lobster.

Black Dog said...

Nice one Traktor and of course you are right, I think the idea is to fill needs without being stupid about it.

Then you let the chips fall where they may.

The more I look at it though this team looks to be in deep shit for next year. Again.

Jonathan Willis said...

Nice post.

Bruce said...

otherwise who gives a shit if Moreau and Staios are in the lineup next season if its going to cost you a pick to get someone to take them on? Seriously.

I hear you, but I think it is a priority to change the culture in the room pronto. Moreau has been a terrible captain, "his" team has gotten worse every year, and persistent rumours of schisms in the room and fistfights outside it add up to a poisonous atmosphere for the next generation. And no matter how many guys you hide in the AHL, there is still going to be important player development taking place right in Edmonton.

Black Dog said...

Thanks Jonathan.

Agreed Bruce that these guys need to be moved although I think Moreau's influence is overstated and rumours are rumours. If Moreau was as big a cock as everyone makes him out to be he would have been long gone by now.

I think they will be able to move him without paying a premium to do so. If you need to pay a premium to get rid of a guy when you are trying to rebuild then just buy the fucker out.

Bruce said...

Agreed: Plan B for Buyout. But Plan A is to ship his Ass.