Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Like the cloud that produces no rain,
The sun that no longer provides warmth.
Like the throat that no longer sings,
The eye that no longer sees beauty.
So dangles my member
Bereft of purpose
An aimless wanderer
A drunken soldier
Telling stories of long-ago battles
In faraway lands.
My penis wakes with a start,
looks around, confused.
A thief in the night
With nothing to steal.
No sports or sex for a week, the cutter said. So no hockey this weekend. As for the sex, well then, I wonder if she'd believe it if I told her that after this week I was told to do it thrice weekly for a few months.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The first, the type that I think they will make and should make, would be to shore up the roster so that this club makes the playoffs and has a shot at advancing if they slip into the #5 or # 6 slot. I think they need to pick up a LW to play with Cogliano and Pisani and then a second forward to play on the fourth line, work the PK etc.
Throw in a veteran for insurance for the bottom pair and a more reliable option than Deslauriers if Roli goes down and you're done. We're talking about guys on expiring contracts, veteran guys like Dean McAmmond, for example, guys you can pick up for low round picks or marginal prospects.
The second type of trade would be an upgrade that would cost the Oilers a guy like Nilsson or Grebeshkov. What I am thinking here is the Oilers picking up a guy with a little more experience who can replace the guy they are moving out. The player coming in would likely cost a little more, would be signed for another couple of years so they hit that first year where the Oilers intend to be strong contenders and would play for a club looking to rebuild. The Oilers might have to throw in a prospect or pick as well.
For the D I'm thinking a guy who can play top four who can make that first pass and bring a little more physically. A guy like Eric Brewer might be along the lines of what I am thinking. Up front, maybe a guy like Nick Hagman.
Not these players, mind you, but use them as an example of what I am thinking.
The third type of trade is the home run. The trade for a guy like Bouwmeester or Kovalchuk (signed to a long term deal, by necessity). The trade for Vinny.
The trade for an impact guy.
Lowe made such a trade for Pronger and tried to sign Hossa this past summer.
Heading into Sunday old Capsule had a three game unbeaten streak. Of course we also had a five game winless streak. Ties abound. There are no soft touches in the league this year since the weak sister in the league got relegated and while we have actually had a strong year we're looking up at a lot of clubs. Sunday we had our first look at the new club in the loop, brought up to replace our departed rivals. They are surprisingly in second. Now they held over all of their points from their romp through the lower division but since being promoted they have been full value with one loss I believe. Like nearly everyone in the league they are young and fast.
They were shorthanded for this game but that's never stopped us from losing before and they had two guys who could wheel, one was a kid you went through our whole team early and slid the puck past our goalie like he was buying a carton of milk it was that easy for him.
The next shift out I went wide and got a shot off and found myself behind the net. Last year I scored from behind the net in consecutive games (a signature move though not THE signature move) so I tried to bank it in off the goalie. It went through his legs (oh sure the reverse five hole is open for fuck's sakes) but my linemate crashed in and tucked it in. Tie game.
From there it was a terrific game. They tired and we began to surge , ringing the post a few times, shots and tips finding their way just past the net, caroming off of sticks, skates and bodies. And then one of their two snipers would suddenly slip through everyone, four times our goalie found himself alone and four times he stopped them cold, one time, down and out, the puck laying in the slot with the open goal after his save, he threw up the pads in desperation and deflected the rebound into the corner, leaving the foe aghast at his failure.
And then as the last period wore on their D began to break and the chances really began to come for us and we finally finished one and we were nearly home. My next shift out one of their D pinched and the winger chipped it to me and I found myself one on one with a rangy kid, half my age I am sure.
The one thing worse then my finish on a breakaway is my ability to beat a man one on one. Even with my signature move, invariably stuffing the puck into the goalie's pads in a sad attempt to go fivehole, I probably have a dozen breakaway goals in my career. Beating a Dman one on one? When you're small, slow and you have no moves, its not a reasonable outcome. I've done it but it wouldn't be in the double digits, and I have been playing hockey forever
So I come in on your man and he's tired, I can see it, so I push the puck through his legs (FIVEHOLE!) and skate around him as he uselessly flails at me.
And I'm in all alone and of course we all know what happened next.
One miracle a game is all I get.
I need therapy to figure out this breakaway problem.
It was all moot anyhow as we killed two penalties at the end of the game and iced it with the most exciting play in hockey. Capsule wins! Capsule wins! And with that we jumped from seventh to fourth, at least momentarily.
Anyways when it comes to making babies I make Andrew Cogliano, that hot shot shooter on ice, look like, well, me on a breakaway.
I'm the Guy Lafleur of fertilization, the Mike Bossy of making babies, the Jari Kurri of conception. I'm like that kid we played on Sunday, zipping down those fallopian tubes, past every obstacle and no goalie can stop me. I'm a one shot shooter and I have the kids to prove it.
Tomorrow it all comes to an end. I'm going to let a bald man with a knife into the cock and balls zone, an area where nothing sharper than a tongue has previously been. Your man tells me that his technique involves crimping the tubes "like stereo wire" and I have to admit its heartening to know that the cutter who is going to render me infertile has a little flair to him. Its fitting, I think.
So tonight we go to the Communist bar and raise a pint to my vas deferens. Fare thee well my faithful little friends. You never let us down.
Most of the guys I have talked to say its not all that bad really, the waiting is the hardest part, laying there bare arsed, bag flapping in the wind, thinking about that blade and your balls, although one of my teammates on Capsule likened the experience to getting repeatedly kicked in the balls.
That good, huh?
One of my buddies said the worst part was driving home, realizing that if all hell broke loose and they started putting people on ice floes he'd be one of them, now useless to a new society needing all hands on deck to repopulate a brave new world.
To that end I've a freezer full of the good stuff so if world's end comes then I can save myself with my super duper, baby making, liquid gold man goop. No ice floe for me.
Because like the commercial says it tastes awful but it works.
Monday, January 26, 2009
44 - Sheldon Souray - I hated this signing and , uh, yeah, I was wrong. The only question is his health and there are some who say now is the time to move him but unless you get a youngster ready to step in and do what he is doing then I don't think it can be done. Big asset offensively and the one guy in the top four who will scare the opposition physically. He is the Oilers' hard man back there and you can't move him unless you replace that.
77 - Tom Gilbert - People talk about moving Gilbert and he is actually the guy after Hemsky who I would make an untouchable. A better player than Grebeshkov, signed longterm to a nice contract and much younger then Souray and Lubo. An important part of this club through the window we are talking about and beyond. When Souray and Lubo's contracts expire he won't be thirty yet - you don't move a guy like that
71 - Lubo Visnovsky - Again I don't think you can move this guy. People talk about all of the money sunk into the back end but these guys are quality players and the main reason his club looks to be turning the corner. Look at Lowetide's measure of this season so far - its the D who are driving the bus, not the forwards. Visnovsky is a terrific player and you don't move him unless you can bring in a guy like Bouwmeester or Seabrook or Keith - in other words the unattainable.
37 - Denis Grebeshkov - he is the prime chip the Oilers have but I wouldn't move him unless they are replacing him with a quality veteran who can add a little toughness but can still make that first pass or unless he is part of a home run deal. I think that a fair part of his numbers are the result of playing with Lubo but I also think the guy is quality and while it would be nice to think that Smid could suddenly step into a top four role when he's still a little iffy in the bottom pair, that's probably not reasonable. The Oilers have a nice top four all of a sudden. If you're going to break them up then you had better have a good reason.
5 - Laddy Smid - You don't move him yet. He's making progress and he's still a kid. You certainly don't move him for a rental and I don't think you move him this summer unless you have given up on him and I can't see why you would. You need those young, cheap guys.
24 - Steve Staios - I love Staios but after this season they need to move the guy. They can get a guy to play in the bottom pair who will likley do a better job on the PK for half the price, I would think. He's not dead yet and I hate to see him go, just like I hated seeing Smith go and Reasoner go, but he's getting close to being done. He's not going to be able to help this club when it really counts, two years down the road, so move him while you can before his salary is complete dead weight.
43 - Jason Strudwick - um, who cares? Hey I like the guy in the role he is in now but you'd get nothing if you moved him so what does it matter. He's not really taking a spot that would be better used and my guess is he's happy to still be employed, which makes him a better fit then a kid to be healthy scratched. They'll keep him and they may sign him again in the summer and it really makes no nevermind to me.
35 - Dwayne Roloson - Well with Garon gone Roli is going nowhere. There is a possibility that they sign him in the summer for one more year if they cannot find a younger guy that they feel can do the job down the line. Not a factor for 2011 or 2012 anyway you cut it.
38 - Jeff Deslauriers - With Garon gone he has the backup job. It makes me nervous as hell but they have confidence in him obviously. Hopefully its the right call. Anyways he's in the mix this year and next and then they will decide on him.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
I'm a hockey guy and I've had some big games. I play well when its the playoffs or a tournament. I don't get too excited. I don't panic. I'll score the odd goal or two. Had a series clincher against an arch rival a few years back. Had a terrific game against the same team the night we conceived our third child. I usually score a goal or two in the Exclaim tournament.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Took a chance and made a run up north, meeting my dad halfway as he brought the big fellow back from his Christmas holidays up in Sudbury. We agreed to meet in Parry Sound, pretty well halfway, and hoped that luck would be on our side.
The trip isn’t what it used to be. When I started school, just over twenty years ago, it was at least a five hour jaunt. An hour up to Barrie, then a town of fifty thousand, a quick hour once you were on the 400, speeding past the farmers’ fields north of Steeles, through the Holland Marsh, rich black soil, and then climbing up the moraine and into the rolling hills before the Muskokas. Soon after Barrie though the highway shrunk to an undivided two lane job, 120 kilometres winding into the Shield, granite rock cuts and a thousand lakes, forests stretching forever, the whole way without a single passing lane. To get by someone you needed to get up behind them and if they were calm and reasonable they would pull over onto the paved shoulder, all this at ~ 90km an hour or so, until you passed, and then back on the highway. Impatience and the difficult road made it a killer highway and in winter the danger multiplied as squalls would suddenly rage off of Georgian Bay, turning clear blue into a whiteout.
In the nineties they four laned it all the way to Parry Sound and divided it besides and now a five plus hour trip can be done in under four hours, the slowest stretch now being from Toronto to Barrie, once the fastest part of the trip, Barrie three times the size now, the farmers’ fields north of Toronto being replaced by suburbs stretching into the distance.
You still have to chance winter but yesterday was clear sailing all the way up, met Dad and had a soup and coffee and then back on the road with my big black furry cargo, racing south, music from school days, the Waterboys and Indigo Girls, the Hip and Neil Young, Live Rust.
Neil Young. Cinnamon Girl. Cortez The Killer. Sedan Delivery. The Loner. Powderfinger.
Your man has been around for forty years or so now, all the way back to Buffalo Springfield and Mr. Soul, one of the greats, despite a face looking like scrass and a voice like a tomcat birthed by Fran Dreschler.
That’s what you call sustain.
The Oilers had their own little roadtrip last week and it had the potential for ugliness – Washington, Minnesota, Colorado – but they won two of three and now the break is in sight and with it Ales Hemsky’s possible return and then hopefully Pisani and Nilsson. Four teams have separation from the pack but the Canucks’ break has not materialized and while the Oilers’ season has been one step forward, one back, they remain in the hunt and its very likely that six weeks from now they will still be right there. This week they have a chance to win some games and of course we know that they will go two and one or one and two or, most likely one, one and one, but the end result is that they will still be right there and it looks like management is going to make a move and bring in a vet or two.
The Oilers are flush in forwards – Horcoff, Penner, Gagner, Cole, Cogliano, Moreau, Pouliot, Reddox, Potulny, Brodziak, Brule, MacIntyre and of course that ignores the three aforementioned as well as Stortini. Moving Garon has opened a spot on the roster but there are still two more players then spots and that doesn’t even include Schremp.
And Potulny has to clear waivers and Brule will be there by the weekend and both would be claimed I would think so it means someone is going to get moved and you could start with Nilsson and probably throw another tweener in there, I would hope not Pouliot but there’s a chance for that. And Schremp is probably a goner too.
And Liam Reddox has won himself a job and you can pencil him into next year’s lineup. Kid is good for ten to fifteen goals, I think, and he can do plenty that most of the other youngsters cannot. Too bad he’s not thirty pounds heavier but what can you do. Drink some milkshakes, kid.
Reddox has had a couple of bumps but he has had sustain and as a result he has some traction now. Lets hope that his club can do a little of that this week. Going into the break with another four or six points would be quite nice, thank you.
Think Neil Young, not Chumbwumba.