Friday, December 04, 2009

Enemy At The Gates


I must now write you to express greatest disappointment in what has occurred. Ever since degenerate blogger Pat McLean revealed the truth at site run by the one they call Lowetide, the talk has continued and continued, so typical of these lazy Westerners, who have nothing better to do then to gossip like old women lining up for black bread and salted meat in freezing cold.

It is most discouraging that it was McLean who revealed your secret. He is a disgraceful example of spoiled Canadian man, raised to be fat and happy, talking only of consuming alcohol and drugs, sleeping with young women and masturbating into sandwich bags. He is perfect example of why Comrade Brezhnev failed so badly when he did not roll tanks into Europe. The West is soft and corrupt, they would have rolled over like Kyle Wellwood looking for jelly donut in his sheets.

Unfortunately Leonid saw film Red Dawn and was convinced that attack would be suicide. He was also frightened by Rocky film with Ivan Drago. I tell him it is fiction. Stallone is size of Oilers' forward, it is only mirrors and smoke, the Hollywood starmaking machine. As if he could defeat Dolph Lundgren with his excellent flattop haircut. Impossible! I shouted but Breshnev was old man and he was easily frightened. I had much anger for many years after that. Victory would have been ours but for Patrick Swayze and C. Thomas Howell. Ah for a man like Stalin again.

Forgive me comrade. Where was I? Oh yes, it is quite frustrating that out best laid plans are looking to fail because of these bloggers. I have utmost respect, I must admit, for this old man, Lowetide, as they call him. I imagine him with his gigantic bearskin hat, likely he killed the bear with his bare hands, as befits a hero of the great patriotic war and one who knew vicious Canadian thug player Eddie Shore. Yes I must think that if I were to sit across table from Lowetide I would drink much vodka with him, despite his being capitalist running dog who has sold his soul for the almighty greenback like all of his compatriots. Still I wonder if he was in Murmansk in 1944. I imagine him as naval man.

But the rest of them! Bah! Sitting in their parents' basements, masturbating to disgusting pornography, their weak sperm splattering on their Superman pajamas, orange with the dust of Cheezies or Cheetos or whatever it is that they stuff their fat faces with.

And these ones are our undoing! After all of these years, all of the work that we put in. Your sly impersonation of Canadian grinder, earning the coach MacTavish's trust, pushing your way to prominence but slowly, never overplaying your hand. Then with Comrade Samsonov your club team almost raising the Stanley Cup, you still playing the hardworking grunt. Hah! If Oiler fans only knew you could have crushed Hurricanes with tiny display of skill taught by glorious sports' schools of Mother Russia. But it was not yet time. Still I must admit I was worried when you toyed with Thornton, then I thought that perhaps the facade might crack, even though any child skating on frozen Volga could outplay lazy surfer boy, typical example of entitled millionaire athlete in decadent West. But you were good soldier as befits Captain in Red Army and held back just enough, firing pucks into sievelike Cam Ward's chest. Hah!

Yet even then I wondered sometimes if your heart was truly still on frozen steppes of Caucasus instead of in rugged Canadian Shield of Sudbury or great frozen prairie of Winnipeg or windswept hill in St. John's. You played with distinct Canadian qualities of heart and grit, throwing yourself in front of shot with face first. That is not typical of Russian player. Most often they are slightly cowardly, like the soldiers who run from the Germans in that movie Enemy At The Gates, forcing their government to shoot them. You know the movie, comrade? With Jude Law? He is balding now, he was such a big heartthrob but he is getting fat and ugly and soon he will be like Val Kilmer or any of the Baldwin brothers or Marlon Brando, fat and redfaced, begging for lackeys to throw him a double cheeseburger over the fence of his compound.

And of course Rachel Weisz, ahh, she looked so hot even in Russian peasant garb. Of course once again this is silly Hollywood, Russian peasants have ankles as thick as Gordie Howe's forearms, and they are big and hairy like apes, they do not look like Rachel Weisz. Yet one cannot complain, movie about great victory at Stalingrad and also gratutious nudity when they have shot of her beautiful heart shaped ass. Of course it was nothing like Stealing Beauty where she is laying on lounge chair, her beautiful breasts, its not full frontal as I think the debauched Westerners call it, but my God she is lovely, it reminds me of the time I was at dacha in Crimea.

Just a moment comrade.

Ah, I am back, I needed to just, um, relieve myself. I was suddenly very tense.

Anyhow, back to point, as they say. I must say that the plan, as I conceived it, was brilliant. Have you rise through Canadian hockey ranks slowly but surely. We knew that there was no chance they would be stupid like in Torino, selecting players like Bertuzzi for team. No, at home they would need to win, they would pick best players. And so we have been making plans for years. To beat Canada in Canada would be devastating to them and reestablish Soviet, er, Russian superiority at hockey game. Oh sure they have won seven of eleven best on best competitions while we have won but one, same as effete Swedes, depraved Americans and the wicked Czechs. It does not matter. The Canadians worry constantly about hockey and how good they are. It is strange. They invent hockey and crush all comers yet always hear footsteps, like Joffrey Lupul going into the corner. Meanwhile English win World Cup once and act as if they have won every one.

I do not understand the West.

In any case plans were going well comrade. In Oilers run in 2006 you established yourself as excellent two way player and then in 2008, even better, you showed that you could score many goals, as befits boy taken from parents at age three and coached by only the very best that glorious and infallible party could provide. Our plan was working to perfection. You would certainly have been picked for Olympic team and then you would have been our mole, our ace in the hole, or to mix metaphors, our mole digging in a hole, as the dissolute Irish singer Bono, would say.

And then you injured your shoulder. Let me say, comrade, that I am very disappointed in you. I realize that you were trying to prove by test of strength that you are more powerful than lazy giant Penner. Even though he is fat from eating many cheeseburgers from excellent Scottish joint, as they call it, McDonalds, he is gigantic like bear in Ural mountains. You should have known when he injured the shoulder of the Big Sexy in arm wrestling match that perhaps you should swallow your pride. But you could not and you had to try and prove bigger manhood.

And that was beginning of end. We hoped that things might improve but instead that fool Lowe traded all of the good players on team. Now you play with O'Sullivan and Jacques when you once played with Hemsky and Smyth. How the hell can you succeed with Jacques on the left wing? He should be on fourth line, banging bodies and bringing energy. Instead on this shitshow of a team he is considered option on shutdown line. How fucking depressing!

And again you have hurt your shoulder! First Hemsky and then you! When will you dumbkoffs learn?! Stop trying to armwrestle Penner. He is enormous. He could hold Comrie in his bare hand and then close his fist and he would disappear, that fucking midget!

Forgive me comrade, I am quite agitated. That was a foolish thing to say. I realize Penner could not hold Comrie in his hand. That is impossible with Comrie in iron lung, quite impossible.

Still I am disappointed in you. I know Hemsky put you up to it. The Czechs hate our guts ever since 1968. They really do. I think that we have been outmanouvred. Even with Hemsky they have no chance but they know without sabotage we also have no chance with our D and goaltending. Who the hell is going to play in net for us? Khabibulin? Jesus. So they know that they have little chance anyways and so they bring us down with them, the dirty bastards!
Argh, I hate the Czechs.

Ah well, Comrade, I know you have enjoyed riches of capitalism, drinking their whiskey and sleeping with their fine women, but I think that it is time that you came home. We will make sure that you have comfortable retirement as befits hero of Soviet Union, er, Mother Russia. We will set you up with two bedroom apartment in Kiev with television and Lada.

Damn I forgot we no longer run Ukraine. Stupid Gorbachev!
Argh, I hate the Ukranians.

Before you come back though, please to fire puck at Lowe's head next time you see him. If he had kept Smyth and not signed Penner you would not have been tempted to prove bigger manhood and on top of that you would have had better counting numbers as well as underlying numbers that basement dwelling bloggers love because Smyth is still a terrific player and outscorer, even in his dotage. And likely the Oilers might have playoffs once or twice instead of being on four years without, which is frankly disgraceful if you ask me. Of course there are fans who think Lowe is great GM because he won six Stanley Cups. Which is like saying that Japanese guy who wins hot dog eating contests can run Oscar Mayer. Decadent westerners think that hockey guy can run very rich corporation because he was good at playing his man, cutting off angles and blocking shots, as well as clearing zone.

That is why we will prevail in the end, Comrade Horcov. Because in the end the entire rotten West will collapse in mess of cheeseburgers and Cokes, we will see the cheese dust rise to the heavens from the glorious motherland. Lowe and his lackey lapdog Tambellini are proof that they just too dumb to survive. Even though the degenerate bloggers have let the cat out of the box, as they say, and blown your cover, victory will be ours.

Your pal.

Vlad Putin


Halfwise said...

Is Horcov Mother win Hero of Soviet Motherhood Traktor Pull Medal? Loins hav issued hockey player most versatile and useful just ask 2006 Thornton, that lug.

But Five Year Plan is still 2 years to go. Oilers krushed Detroit 4-1 and parade plans not yet canceled by True Believers. Maybe just 8 True Believers left now, not 16,839 like Jun8 18 2006.

Horcov just need new shoulder Da? Heart and Brain not broken. Linemates broken but intelligentsia blame Lowe, no good Smyth low-baller.

Tambellinovitch hav hands nice full with 47 contracts, but talent pouch and grit pouch not much inside, all let gone.

Captain Morovitch work make shelves at GUM department store look full of Gucci and Lada look like Audi S8L. Bah. Nice place for him open near Kamchatka.

Like Germans at Stalingrad Oilers only have summer uniforms not much use in cold winter. Maybe not learn much. But talk good game for while.

Horcov not problem. Many people not named Horcov real problem.

Coach pb9617 said...

sleeping with young women and masturbating into sandwich bags.


I think I now have a hernia.

shepso said...


I thought we came up with a good post today...( It appears I was mistaken.

All right Black Dog, I submit. You win.


macaotim said...

Before writing did you roll it or put it in a bong?

Черный пес очень смешной товарищ.

hunter1909 said...

German 6th Army:

pre Stalingrad 250,000
post Surrender 90,000
survive gulags 6,000

That's 6 out of 250 for a sparkling 2 percent survival rate.

Sounds like Oilers chances of making the playoffs.

After the Wings game, I'm terrified they're going on one of those putrid mini winning streaks they're infamous for.

doritogrande said...

Most excellent communique, Comrade Darkdomesticatedmammalwhodespisessmellproducingrodent (correct pronounciation may become lost in the translation). This Captain Horcov has been most unexcellent in his disguising abilities and chooses to expose himself to ridicule more befitting those of Ukraine.

Truly he is not worthy of first-Cossak status. He would be more beneficial if expectations were lowered, such as those on serving as second or perhaps third-status defensive special role.

Please to communicate our displeasure to Defense Minister Comrade Grebeshkov, and make motion for demotion.

Say again? Defense Minister thinks puck is large pink elephant and talks into foil-tin hat? Nyet! Damn American capatilist prescriptions!

We must soon employ secret covert weapon of small, brainwashed Swede hockey performer, before all is lost. Only then will Mother Russia regain control of Siberia of Canada...

kanadienkyle said...

No shirtless picture of you on horseback?

Scott Reynolds said...

Great writing. Again.

Jonathan Willis said...


Ribs said...

Ah, the Ol' Horcovian Five Hole Special. Nice.

99thoilerfan said...


I sit here in true awe.

Clap x 1.5Billon.

Ryan said...

So I missed a few comment threads and thus think I missed the origin of the whole Horcov joke. Anyone care to fill me in on why Horcoff is a Russian?

Black Dog said...

Thanks for all the kudos everyone.

kyle - that is something you do not want to see

Ryan - I was sick and tired of all of the dummies getting on Hemsky, I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that he is a Euro, to be honest. So in a thread at Lowetide's a few weeks back I commented that they had to get rid of all of the soft Euros, especially Hemsky and that Russian with a shield, Horcov. Figured maybe that's why the fans hate Horcoff even more than Hemsky, he's a dirty soft Euro.

Apparently its going to stick, at least for a while

Darren said...

That is sheer, unadulterated quality.


Baroque said...

This is fantastic writing.

What an imagination. :)

Hemmer'oids said...

This is absolutely the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I'm still laughing!

I look forward to hearing more correspondence between Horcov and Putin

Peacecounty said...

Wow..... Another classic. Its posts like this one that make me send out links to everyone I know

spOILer said...

Dear Vladimir,

You are tovarich, Vladi, but oy veh, you be putz also too. You not Spassky in glorious Russian game of chess. You must to think more hard, spasibe?

Who listen to stupid dissolute Western bloggers like this Priapick McLean? Not even Ukrainian Cossack swine listen. But you--yak chamach! You are well from which evil CIA like to drink deep and often.

So why you let vagina out of sack on Comrade Horcoff? Does he not have great obstacle to hide superior KGB breeding program with special eyes? (Such Russian chutzpah he has!) This McLean, he must have sight inside head to see past careful constructed deceptions, but he only have audience of three basement nerd. If he became concern, no to worry, we make visit like old days. The Revolution does not fear these Cheeto-eating keyboard jockeys, they are mere tools of the Great Plan.

But you, Vladdy, now you, you have ears of whole world. I fear you to have place Kaptain Horcoff in great danger of checkmate, except my Internet spionem make report silly depraved Westerners still think poor comrade Horcoff--how do they say--"sucks ass". So you please to thank Comrade Tikhonov for most excellent disguise of young Shawnomir Ilyanovitch's talent. But please to send comrade Horcoff note also. Tell him stupid Westerner in decadent armchair think shootout hard difficulty and maybe to suspect Horcoff superior Russian athlete if keep scoring like Politburo Chairman at cocktail party for glory of State.

Any way dear Vladimir, poor peasant girls aside, no more loose talk about secret mole, da? Yak chamach, you have Beloved Motherland to care for also too. Please to start with immediate privatize state gold storage. I am at your service tovarich like before, and so I to keep secure gold for Mother Russia, but for humble service will need rubles for football team in league named after glorious soviet leaders--yes to agree?

Smert Spionem,
Roman A.

Anonymous said...

LOL! that was brilliant, I enjoyed that

Oilman said...

My Russian accent is terrible - even in my head. And why does someone writing the word "Comrade" just once, instantly switch my inner voice to Ivan Drago?

David S said...

I know I'm late to this party, but I have to say this post borders on spectacular. That's saying alot for me because every post here is pretty damn awesome.

Well done Black Dog.

Black Dog said...

Once again thanks everyone.