We weren’t going to fuck around when it came to this. I talked to a guy I played hockey with and he said that he never went in for the followup and I heard that from a lot of guys but we know that we got pregnant with our youngest in a one shot deal and my wife is certain that we made the boy happen on our first night of trying as well. With the oldest we’re not sure but we figure it was either the first or second try.
So we’re talking three for four, maybe three for three. So we’re being careful.
We love our kids but the last pregnancy was murder, believe me, and life is mental as it is. And we’d heard enough ridiculous stories to put us, well at least my wife, on edge.
The couple who decided the night before his vasectomy to give it one more try for the hell of it and ended up pregnant. Why you’d do that is beyond me but I’ve heard that one before.
The vasectomy that either did not take or reversed itself years later (it happens, my cutter explained to me how he crimped the tubes so they wouldn’t reattach), ending up with a little surprise.
And my favourite of all, the guy who lied to his wife and never even went under the knife. So he got a weekend of lying around doing nothing as he pretended to have been fixed and then later on she operated on him herself after he got her good and pregnant, I am sure.
Interestingly enough these are all the old “friend of a cousin’s acquaintance” type degrees of separation – apparently there is an entire vasectomy subgenre to urban legends.
The point of all of this is that we weren’t taking any chances.
The doc told me fifteen ejaculations should clear me out really nicely so I chased my wife around more than usual and pulled my pud more than usual (unbelievable in both cases I know) and six weeks later I brought my cup of cum into the lab.
I called for the results and was told that there were occasional sperm and although they were dead I should try again in another six weeks, I had come in a little early, even though I was following doctor’s orders when I did so.
So I spent another six weeks working away at getting those few remaining little bastards out into a wad of kleenex and then I went and got my cup and did my deed and went to the lab. And I called.
And the result was the same. Now think about this for a second. I’ve gone from producing millions of swimmers to a few floating corpses. So I’m probably good, right?
And she says “ Well, there’s no way you could get anyone pregnant but we can’t clear you yet because of the results”
Come back in three months.
Of course by this point we can look back at these pregnancies and we can see who was carrying the mail, so to speak. I mean you want to talk about driving the bus, well I was building the motherfuckers, thousands of them, and I was populating them with riders at the same time. We’re talking the Nick Lidstrom of sperm makers here folks. Even strength, power play, penalty kill, we’re making things happen, making things happen, hell, we’re off the charts. Nothing against my wife, I mean she’s hall of fame material herself, but I thimk we’re talking all time great here.
They cut my nuts open and killed the supply and months later there were still remnants hanging around!
And God knows its not like I haven’t been masturbating great guns the entire time, its my nature first of all and now I have the extra motivation.
So finally a couple of weeks ago I go back and lo and behold my cutter has skipped town so I have to go to my regular doctor to get the test req and then when I call for the results they tell me that they can’t give them out over the phone so I make an appointment and go and sit in his office and he comes in and tells me that I’m clear.
And so I get the wife in for a tumble that night and she tells me to go grab some protection and I pull out my papers and HA! I’m a free man.
(Actually it wasn’t that dramatic but what is true is that my poor wife is getting tired of me asking if she wants to try out the new equipment.)
Plus I have three unused condoms for anyone who wants them. I may just put them on Ebay but let me know in the comments and I’ll put them in the mail. Or maybe we’ll have a contest.
Here the good weather tends to last to the end of September although this year it seems its barely just arrived. In any case summer is fading away as school starts and very soon, finally, training camp opens.
For the Oilers it has been a quiet summer. MacTavish & Co. out. Quinn, Renney and Fleming in. Roloson replaced by Khabibulin. Kotalik and Brodziak out.
There was the whole Heatley drama and if that had panned out then we may have seen some fireworks but when the possible signing of Mike Comrie, his career hanging by a thread, is the big news then you know that times are different.
The summer of 2005 was one of great excitement and promise, almost culminating in a Cup on June 19, 2006 but since then we have seen disappointments off and on the ice
for the most part. The summers have brought about great passion and debate amongst us Oiler fans but this summer there seems to be a disconnect. Three years out of the playoffs and a summer about nothing can do that I guess.
In 2006 there was the whole Pronger fiasco. Not only did he demand to be traded but the return on the trade was underwhelming (note that three summers later Anaheim got a similar package for a guy a lot closer to the end then he was back when he was an Oiler) and management did nothing to replace him. Talk about a triple whammy. It was like being on a ship that had been torpedoed, ending up eating your shipmates as the lifeboat drifted for weeks in the south Pacific and then finally making landfall, the sole survivor, only to get torn apart by a pack of baboons. It was awful and while most were willing to trust in Lowe after the success of 2006 there were a few who did not believe in the vaunt and were willing to argue Lowe's incompetence with anyone.
The following summer was possibly the most bitter of all. Smyth gone. Souray and Penner in. Those who argued those issues and those who believed in Lowe still despite the disaster of the previous season against those who had lost faith. It made for ugly days in these parts.
And then last summer it may have gotten worse as people pointed at the last twenty games of the previous season as proof that the kids were fine and that Lowe did know what he was doing, this despite his failure to replace the useful forwards that he had shipped out of town. The Visnovsky move was a nice one but by not replacing Stoll, Torres, Reasoner and Glencross the GM doomed the team to failure almost immediately.
And so this summer things have been positively quiet. There is disagreement over Khabibulin but not much really. Only a handful of people like the entire deal, nearly everyone can find fault with the term or the money or hiring Khabibulin period.
Pretty well everyone likes the coaching move.
Very few think that the team will be very good. Hope has hopped on a bus and left town.
So while everyone looks forward to camp opening, because we are hockey fans, very few think much of this club and its prospects. There is little faith in management as for the fourth summer there are glaring holes that have been left unfilled.
Here we are, September upon us and on a club that needs veterans, that needs size, that needs someone who can win faceoffs and kill penalties, the talk is of acquiring a small soft centre who cannot PK or win draws.
He's a veteran guy and the rumoured contract is a value contract and if, if , its a huge if, he scores twenty five goals then its a decent move except that his arrival will likely mean a youngster will be heading out the door.
Bringing in veterans on value contracts is smart if they are plugging a gap. Bringing in veteran on value contracts to replace youngsters with potential, youngsters who might outperform the veteran this season, never mind in the future.
Not too smart.
Not very good at all.
It appears that Tambellini is putting all of his eggs in the coaching basket.