Friday, September 04, 2009

The Song That Never Ends

Remember this series of posts? After the old snippity snip I had to get myself tested to make sure that it took, so to speak.

We weren’t going to fuck around when it came to this. I talked to a guy I played hockey with and he said that he never went in for the followup and I heard that from a lot of guys but we know that we got pregnant with our youngest in a one shot deal and my wife is certain that we made the boy happen on our first night of trying as well. With the oldest we’re not sure but we figure it was either the first or second try.

So we’re talking three for four, maybe three for three. So we’re being careful.

We love our kids but the last pregnancy was murder, believe me, and life is mental as it is. And we’d heard enough ridiculous stories to put us, well at least my wife, on edge.

The couple who decided the night before his vasectomy to give it one more try for the hell of it and ended up pregnant. Why you’d do that is beyond me but I’ve heard that one before.

The vasectomy that either did not take or reversed itself years later (it happens, my cutter explained to me how he crimped the tubes so they wouldn’t reattach), ending up with a little surprise.

And my favourite of all, the guy who lied to his wife and never even went under the knife. So he got a weekend of lying around doing nothing as he pretended to have been fixed and then later on she operated on him herself after he got her good and pregnant, I am sure.

Interestingly enough these are all the old “friend of a cousin’s acquaintance” type degrees of separation – apparently there is an entire vasectomy subgenre to urban legends.

The point of all of this is that we weren’t taking any chances.

The doc told me fifteen ejaculations should clear me out really nicely so I chased my wife around more than usual and pulled my pud more than usual (unbelievable in both cases I know) and six weeks later I brought my cup of cum into the lab.

I called for the results and was told that there were occasional sperm and although they were dead I should try again in another six weeks, I had come in a little early, even though I was following doctor’s orders when I did so.

So I spent another six weeks working away at getting those few remaining little bastards out into a wad of kleenex and then I went and got my cup and did my deed and went to the lab. And I called.

And the result was the same. Now think about this for a second. I’ve gone from producing millions of swimmers to a few floating corpses. So I’m probably good, right?

And she says “ Well, there’s no way you could get anyone pregnant but we can’t clear you yet because of the results”

Come back in three months.

Of course by this point we can look back at these pregnancies and we can see who was carrying the mail, so to speak. I mean you want to talk about driving the bus, well I was building the motherfuckers, thousands of them, and I was populating them with riders at the same time. We’re talking the Nick Lidstrom of sperm makers here folks. Even strength, power play, penalty kill, we’re making things happen, making things happen, hell, we’re off the charts. Nothing against my wife, I mean she’s hall of fame material herself, but I thimk we’re talking all time great here.

They cut my nuts open and killed the supply and months later there were still remnants hanging around!

And God knows its not like I haven’t been masturbating great guns the entire time, its my nature first of all and now I have the extra motivation.

So finally a couple of weeks ago I go back and lo and behold my cutter has skipped town so I have to go to my regular doctor to get the test req and then when I call for the results they tell me that they can’t give them out over the phone so I make an appointment and go and sit in his office and he comes in and tells me that I’m clear.

And so I get the wife in for a tumble that night and she tells me to go grab some protection and I pull out my papers and HA! I’m a free man.

(Actually it wasn’t that dramatic but what is true is that my poor wife is getting tired of me asking if she wants to try out the new equipment.)

Plus I have three unused condoms for anyone who wants them. I may just put them on Ebay but let me know in the comments and I’ll put them in the mail. Or maybe we’ll have a contest.


Here the good weather tends to last to the end of September although this year it seems its barely just arrived. In any case summer is fading away as school starts and very soon, finally, training camp opens.

For the Oilers it has been a quiet summer. MacTavish & Co. out. Quinn, Renney and Fleming in. Roloson replaced by Khabibulin. Kotalik and Brodziak out.

There was the whole Heatley drama and if that had panned out then we may have seen some fireworks but when the possible signing of Mike Comrie, his career hanging by a thread, is the big news then you know that times are different.

The summer of 2005 was one of great excitement and promise, almost culminating in a Cup on June 19, 2006 but since then we have seen disappointments off and on the ice
for the most part. The summers have brought about great passion and debate amongst us Oiler fans but this summer there seems to be a disconnect. Three years out of the playoffs and a summer about nothing can do that I guess.

In 2006 there was the whole Pronger fiasco. Not only did he demand to be traded but the return on the trade was underwhelming (note that three summers later Anaheim got a similar package for a guy a lot closer to the end then he was back when he was an Oiler) and management did nothing to replace him. Talk about a triple whammy. It was like being on a ship that had been torpedoed, ending up eating your shipmates as the lifeboat drifted for weeks in the south Pacific and then finally making landfall, the sole survivor, only to get torn apart by a pack of baboons. It was awful and while most were willing to trust in Lowe after the success of 2006 there were a few who did not believe in the vaunt and were willing to argue Lowe's incompetence with anyone.

The following summer was possibly the most bitter of all. Smyth gone. Souray and Penner in. Those who argued those issues and those who believed in Lowe still despite the disaster of the previous season against those who had lost faith. It made for ugly days in these parts.

And then last summer it may have gotten worse as people pointed at the last twenty games of the previous season as proof that the kids were fine and that Lowe did know what he was doing, this despite his failure to replace the useful forwards that he had shipped out of town. The Visnovsky move was a nice one but by not replacing Stoll, Torres, Reasoner and Glencross the GM doomed the team to failure almost immediately.

And so this summer things have been positively quiet. There is disagreement over Khabibulin but not much really. Only a handful of people like the entire deal, nearly everyone can find fault with the term or the money or hiring Khabibulin period.

Pretty well everyone likes the coaching move.

Very few think that the team will be very good. Hope has hopped on a bus and left town.

So while everyone looks forward to camp opening, because we are hockey fans, very few think much of this club and its prospects. There is little faith in management as for the fourth summer there are glaring holes that have been left unfilled.

Here we are, September upon us and on a club that needs veterans, that needs size, that needs someone who can win faceoffs and kill penalties, the talk is of acquiring a small soft centre who cannot PK or win draws.

He's a veteran guy and the rumoured contract is a value contract and if, if , its a huge if, he scores twenty five goals then its a decent move except that his arrival will likely mean a youngster will be heading out the door.

Bringing in veterans on value contracts is smart if they are plugging a gap. Bringing in veteran on value contracts to replace youngsters with potential, youngsters who might outperform the veteran this season, never mind in the future.

Not too smart.

Not very good at all.

It appears that Tambellini is putting all of his eggs in the coaching basket.

Hell Pat Quinn had better be a magic man this season.


hunter1909 said...

It's beautifully simple: That pipsqueak is an Oiler, and my 27+ years of being an Oiler fan get cancelled.

I'd sooner be a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.

hunter1909 said...

Even my sewer of an imagination quails at the thought of my fellow Oiler fans, having been gangraped and forced to drink NHL cum for the past 17+ seasons, cheering when not-so-mighty mouse scores another ultimately meaningless goal.

Travis Dakin said...

If anything, I hope he is and Oiler just to see if you're talking out of your ass about the quitting the team shit.

HBomb said...

The Nik Lidstrom of sperm making?

I vote that this, in due time, replaces "Lator Gator" at the top of the page Pat.

Golden stuff.

mike w said...

In other words, Pat Quinn is both driver and passenger of the Oilers sperm bus, looking for clearance from his wife (wary fans?) and hoping not to get anyone pregnant (Stanley Cup?) although if he does get someone pregnant with his bus, he'd still be Nik Lidstrom.

Wait, I should stop reading your posts in a hurry...

Nice stuff, Pat.

Also just in: this team is terrible!

Darren said...

We are looking forward to camp opening? Only because there is no sports on tv lately and I find myself watching BNN every night...

Doogie2K said...

If ever a man could get away with a "The Man/The Legend" T-shirt, it is you, sir.

Black Dog said...

Darren - the season starting? um, next year's draft? ;)

Doogie2K and HBomb - thank you kindly sirs

mike w. - you're mixing up your metaphors - Renney is the mechanic working on the bus, he is working OT in order to save enough money to move out of his parents' place because he got his girlfriend (Oilers arena staff) pregnant behind the middle school. He couldn't help himself because he had spent the day looking at ravine porn. Anyhow ... no wait that's not it ....

hunter1909 said...

Travis: I'm sure you would love to cheer for Comrie.

Deano said...

Comrie makes so little sense that I am inclined to think that his return has more to do with getting his dad on board the arena train.

Picking him up would allow us to send one of the younger, duplicated players back to the AHL. Which one would benefit most from an additional year of pounding lesser mortals (Red Wing-style)- Rowbert, Cogs? (I also believe that Katz has absolutely no intention of burying salary anywhere for a team so far from excellence - just a terrible business move.)

In hindsight, its obvious that the '06 run has more to do with blowing the extra cap-space that was leftover from the EIG years than the ability of either Lowe or MacT. Too bad men running the team think it was their acumen, not something so simple as spending wads of dough at the right instant. Its foolish to have no cap space - you never know what is going to go on sale.

If MacT played the youth in the right roles in the last couple of seasons, we would know who was NHL-capable instead of the doubts that we have now. I suspect (and hope) that his pronouncements were self-fulfilling and more wrong than right at the end. MacT was a stupid, selfish, petty, vindictive jerk. Good riddance.

As for the coaching move, just like the Khabi move - our 'savvy pros' moved too fast instead of holding their water and waiting for the opportune time. I wanted Dave Tippett even before he was fired. It is possible that he would only became available after the Oil started the chain of coaching moves leading to Dallas hiring Crawford, but he's a far better option that this Hockey Canada retread crew.

Its just more of the same though. If its not Hockey Canada, its the Golden Bears (Daum). The Oilers do offer much better jobs to management than either Hockey Canada or the University ranks. What an uninspired strategy to hire talent. Too bad Oilers logo has nowhere near the value to players that the Hockey Canada logo does.

I am optimistic that most of last season's underachieving was due to MacT, but I would like to see some evidence from management that they are capable of making an occasional, brilliant 'correct' move instead of persistently just avoiding being incorrect. 'Not incorrect' is not the same as 'correct'. They look like rank amateurs, in the worst keystone cops-fashion and I have not even mentioned Heatley and Murray until now.

It could be worse. They could be screwing up with my dough instead of Katz's (don't I wish).

Anonymous said...

Pat, I think I agree with just about everything you said here in this post, as I usually do. Your comments on Lowetide are spot-on as well. Now if only the Oilers could hire someone of your competency level...

Halfwise said...

When I took my little jar-O-cum back to the lab for testing a few weeks after the snip-snip they informed me that its contents were like the cheap canned mushrooms: "Pieces and stems" to be exact.

All this new coaching talent is supposed to improve the quality of the contents of the cheap canned mushrooms dressed in Oiler silks. I guess if the argument last year was that the Oil would have been better if MacT had not been coaching, then we should expect most of the players to be better this season than last season.

Can the pieces and stems get it done? If everyone is 5% better, which is about all the difference that I think a coach can make, we might be happily wondering what all the concern was about in the summer of '09. But personally, I don't think you can coach pieces and stems into looking like real mushrooms.

Black Dog said...

Thanks OF17

Halfwise - Nice ;) - I'm going to do a post shortly looking at the coaching, personally I think that it will make a difference but having said that Quinn can't make a small team bigger or more experienced. Of course if they play bigger and smarted then we might see something.

Deano - I agree wholeheartedly on management - I like the coaching move myself but I can respect the idea of Dave Tippett as a better alternative.

And as you said its been so many mistakes over the past four summers its hard to believe. You can argue that, for example, letting Brodziak was not a big deal. And that Glencross was just circumstance. And Thoresen was a nobody. And Reasoner was easily replaced.

But now they basically have a fourth line that has no experience, with Stortini being the exception, and is neither going to score nor can add to special teams or winning draws.

So there's one example.

Deano said...


What I think you are overlooking with the 'coaching makes little difference' position is that coaching is pass-fail. When it passes, the difference is minimal. When it fails, the difference becomes significant.

MacT's skewed view of the players last season, where, in particular Ethan Moreau is praised and Dustin Penner is vilified - regardless of what actually happened on the ice - is a tremendous discouragement to effort. MacT's mind was made up no matter what the players actually did.

The players are still human - no matter how much they are paid.

I am repeating myself, but the team quit on MacT and each other. That is unlikely to happen again this year.

Black Dog said...

Deano - that's what I'm hanging my hat on, I hope that you are right

Halfwise said...

Puzzling, wasn't it? There they were in 6th place entering the stretch drive, and into the shitter they went. I was over at Rexall today for the rookies and there was still a whiff in the air, I swear, even though no one on the ice was anywhere near the joint last spring. Well, maybe the Zamboni guy.

Did they quit on each other? The dressing room strife, the free passes for Moreau, the public Penner floggings? And if they did, can that just get wiped clean this year under new leadership?

They are humans, and leadership matters. So, too, does the commitment to follow that leader.

Interesting year coming. I can't wait.

By the way, Eberle stood out today in a good way. So did Motin except that he took himself out of position to make a hit and the two on one that resulted ended up in the net. But he will be no fun to play against.

Deano said...


Even when they were in 6th last season they were just going through the motions - putting up minimal efforts just to get by.

In similar fashion to my correct/not incorrect observation. Not the old leadership should suffice, provided it warrants a 'pass'. There is little doubt that Quinn or Renney can provide this. The doubt comes from the combo.

Thanks for the report.

mattwatt said...

I am amazed at how funny this site is at times. As Hunter S. would say "ye fucking gods."

As for the Oilers, I think the ultimate goal for any team year in and out is to not necessarily win the Stanley Cup, because only one team can do that, but to be extremely competitive year in and year out (A top 6 team in the league). This team is not that and won't be for some time. Why I will be drinking a lot throughout this year.

If Lowe was a baby producer, his offspring would start off with a Natalie Portman-like daugther, with several Liza Minnelli's to follow.

Black Dog said...

mattwatt - good one, yeah Liza is about right

and Halfwise thanks for that as well