Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Its A Jungle Out There

The big fellow has had his issues with urban wildlife but things have been quiet on that front for a while now until last week when all hell broke loose.

I don't know if its because winter is around the bend and the neighbourhood vermin have to fatten themselves up but it seems as if we are in danger of being overrun and the result has been chaos and near disaster.

It started less than a week ago when I was taking the big guy for his morning constitutional. As we returned to the manor I caught a glimpse of something furry scurrying around the porch and into the alley beside our house. As we climbed the steps the leash tautened as there was a fair size raccoon on our porch. Now they're stupid but not that stupid and it immediately scaled the supporting pillar and set up camp on the porch roof. I got the boy and brought him out and we checked out the coon as it leaned over the eave and checked us out.

No problem, right?

So I'm off to work, hi ho hi ho and all that and first I bring out the recycling and the garbage. We have these fair size bins that sit right against the porch so I just lean over, pop them open and drop in the bags. So I look up to make sure the raccoon isn't going to drop down on my head and then I fire the recycling in the bin. Then I turn to the garbage, open it up and shit my pants because there are two little faces looking right up at me.


I went to get some gasoline and a pack of matches and came back to see Momma on top of the bin, looking concerned. For a second I wondered if I was about to get attacked but instead she turned tail and ran, probably figuring if these two were dumb enough to fall into a garbage can they were probably going to be living in her basement with their stoner skid girlfriends long after they should have gone out on their own.

As I doused the little rats with gasoline they cried pitifully but I have a heart of cold ice and so I dropped the lit match. in and stepped back.

The front of our house still smells like barbeque.

Bah, I'm kidding. I took a broom and knocked the bin over and they scurried away.

A couple of mornings later I was again bringing out garbage. I swear sometimes that's all I do. Take out garbage and make babies. I'm awesome at both. Seriously should go pro.

Anyhow I reached over the porch to pop open the bin and there, ambling by, out towards the front of the house, was a fat skunk. I turned, because a certain someone had followed me out onto the porch, a certain someone whose white tipped big bushy black tail was disappearing down the porch steps.

You ever see a movie where they use super slow mo at the very climax of the movie? Its become a comedy staple now, Will Ferrell or Steve Carell or Adam Sandler leaping to prevent calamity, mouthing Nooooooooooooo as they are hit by projectile baby vomit or something but of course before that it was used in action movies and sports movies and westerns, the sidekick leaping to stop the hero from getting gunned down, the undersized receiver making the catch to win the big game, the gunfight ending in a hail of bullets, the blood spreading out across the villain's shirt as he sags into the dust.

Well that was me last Saturday morning.

Noooooooooo Beennnnnnnn, noooooooooo.

Of course he ignored me, the bastard, he doesn't listen to anyone, he seriously does not give a shit anymore and he trotted up to the skunk who was making for safety under our porch. I held my breath, literally and figuratively, and watched as the potential sprayee walked up to the potential sprayer, sniffed at him casually and then turned and had a pee on a nearby bush.

He came back up the steps and walked into the house like nothing happened and I, for the second time that week, cleaned a turd out of my shorts.


If I were trying out for the Oilers I think I would just not answer the phone. I don't have a cell so there's no way they could track me down. Call me in my room, don't answer it, knock on the door, hide in the bathtub, coach wants to see me, sneak out the back door. I'd be like George Costanza, remember he got fired and kept going to work pretending nothing happened. That would be me.

Show up for the first game.

McLean, what are you doing here? We cut you son. Two weeks ago.

No, no, Mr Katz told me to come tonight, he said I made the team.

What! What the fuck!

After Quinn stomps off, I knock one of the little guys in the head (Christ I'd have my pick, its going to be like walking into a kindergarten class in that dressing room) and stuff him under the Zamboni seat. When Quinn returns, purple with rage, I explain to him that Nilsson said he didn't feel well, went home or some damn thing.

Alright take the pregame skate then but you're in the press box tonight.

Make sure to slew foot another guy and rake someone else across the eyes 'accidentally'.

Volia, I'm in the lineup.

A couple of years ago I described the Toronto media as being so obsessed with the Leafs that they would go into the toilet after Paul Maurice left and try and divine the club's workings by sifting through the corn in his shit. We're getting near critical mass right now folks, although its Quinn whose words we're poking at, holding our noses, because it looks like Tambellini and Lowe have dropped another huge turd into their coach's lap.

Rumours are flying like crazy. Fernando may be a goner says Matheson who turns around in the same article and quotes Quinn as saying that Pisani needn't lose any sleep. Quinn says the veterans aren't up to snuff and folks read this as meaning that Moreau and Staios are on their way out.

I think Quinn is telling the vets that playtime is over and that its time to get serious.

I still think, barring a trade or injury, that Horcoff, Hemsky, Penner, Cogliano, O'Sullivan, Comrie, Gagner, Moreau, Pisani and Stortini are in the lineup opening night.

I think that Jacques has made the club. He came in with a lot going for him anyways and he has not disappointed.

I think that it is quite clear that Stone has put himself into position to be the darkhorse and that he is in good shape.

I think Pouliot has shown pretty well and the fact that guys like Gregor, who isn't a fan, have him making the club says a lot.

Quinn said he's not going to keep a guy around just to fight, he has to be able to play. Bye MacIntyre.

Schremp has done nothing and is not in the lineup on Wednesday. Bye bye and lets see if anyone picks him up.

So that leaves Nilsson, Brennan and Brule. Brule has done fuck all but is supposedly the pick of management. Nilsson, rightly or wrongly, is the poster boy for what has ailed this club the last two years (much of that being just too young but also inconsistent of course). Brennan has told Quinn that he won't be the designated goon and Quinn giving him a chance to prove that he can play.

Interesting stuff. I'm going to say Brennan by a nose. Of course last year I said Spurgeon was the darkhorse, so Kip (WTF?) might start checking out condo listings in Springfield Mass.

Just don't pick up that phone, boys. Walk away.


PDO said...

Don't pick up the phone... and if you have a roommate who might, leave one of those zip lock baggies on top of it...

doritogrande said...

I'll thank you not to WTF my namesake.

NormanMendoza said...

I think Brennan's on an AHL contract. That's not a huge barrier -- waive MacIntyre -- and whether or not he gets picked up they are at 47 contracts after Rajala and Eberle go down.

So they have room and the mechanism to keep the best of those two players.

As for the other waiver eligible players -- send them on the same day that every other team loads up their flotsam and jetsom onto the waiver wire. I know that first rounders always get nine-lives (Nillson, Schremp, Brule) -- but there are lots of players in many organizations who are close but not good enough to help.

Darren said...

How cool would it have been if you had actually put the garbage on fire?

Just saying.

Black Dog said...

Darren - I told the girls at work just that, totally deadpan - the look on them was priceless

Norman - I think Nilsson may actually get bought out if he doesn't make it, as for the others you're right. Guys like that on every club.

Black Dog said...

PDO - lol

DG - I was referring to the fact that when I think of Kip I don't think of a veteran goon but rather of an educated young man, beloved by the women, perhaps the most interesting man on the internet. ;)

doritogrande said...

I was referring to the fact that when I think of Kip I don't think of a veteran goon but rather of an educated young man, beloved by the women, perhaps the most interesting man on the internet. ;)

Is this where I plug Dos Equis?

No worries man. Kip is just what most people call me, because the tendency is to shorten any name longer than 5 letters, do you not agree?

Tyler said...

the racoon story was good for a full on belly laugh, which Im begining to realize are fewer and farther between as I get older. Thank you, kind sir.

Black Dog said...

dg - not sure, maybe Norm and Ty can chime in on that one ;)

Having said that, what is Kip short for anyways?

Ty - getting older? You're still a pup man!

Drink man drink! Cures what ails ya!

doritogrande said...

It's short for Kiprian, pronounced KIP-ree-en. Named after my great grandfather. Ukrainian background.

To my knowledge, I'm the only person living with that name.

Black Dog said...


Bruce said...

Named after my great grandfather.

DG: Does that mean you're Mini-Kipper?