Monday, September 14, 2009
It was almost ten years ago that an elaborate, well thought out scheme, pure genius really, fell to pieces.
My wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, was turning twenty five that October and in the spring I decided that I would surprise her by taking her to New Orleans. We lived in Tampa (Oakland with beaches is pretty accurate by the way) and we could fly to New Orleans for cheap.
Now I'm all about keeping her happy. I'm always pulling this type of thing. Booked a massage for her the other day. Organized a long weekend for her in Montreal with a friend from the Island for later this fall. For her birthday this year it was going to be a surprise trip to Cuba before her dad got sick. You see if she's happy then I'm going to be happy. And her going away for a few days is no big deal. I had the kids three days solid over Labour Day while she worked and we did just fine. The beach. Parks. Went for a pint at my local with them. House was tidy, laundry done, clothes laundered. Plus I made cookies and butter tarts.
No wonder she loves me. I am so so gay.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Anyways I let her do her thing and encourage it and basically I just want to be left alone to do my thing when I like. A little road trip here and there. Pints. Hockey. A little bit of the ee ee ee ee when we can. Some time to write or watch the Oilers.
I'm a simpleton what can I say. But that is all I ask. Just every once in a while, leave me be.
So the best thing about this plan was that I laid the groundwork for it in the spring. In April I told her to make sure that she booked off the weekend in question. I said nothing else.
It made her crazy.
My wife is the type who still gets a thrill on Christmas morning and it has nothing to do with the kids. The anticipation, the surprises, when it comes time to come downstairs to see what Santa brought she's pushing the kids out of the way like George Costanza trying to escape the fire.
So its killing her.
We'd be sitting on the beach and I'd smile and she'd ask me what I was thinking about and I'd smile some more and say 'Oh just thinking about your birthday weekend'.
It made her mental.
Where are we going?
Where are we going?
Where are we going?
I might be persuaded .... raises eyebrow sexily
Later, sharing a smoke and glass of wine.
So, where are we going?
Oh that's for me to know and for you ... to find out!
Yes, I'm twelve. But you knew that.
The thing is this was before 9/11 as well so you could go to the gates even if you were not flying, that is there was no big rigamarole going through security. And it was Southwest so you could get your ticket at the actual gate. So we'd have carry ons and my plan was to go through security and then drag it out forever, stopping in front of gate after gate until her head was ready to pop off. It was going to be so fucking awesome.
It was two weeks before our trip, not even, and we were eating supper in our apartment. The upcoming weekend we were going to Toronto for a wedding and then the weekend following we would go to New Orleans. Six months I had held this secret close to the vest, I was less than two weeks away; I was home free. And then she asked me what we were going to do with the dog when we were away.
When we're in Toronto Diane is going to take care of him and then when we go to New Orleans ...
That was it. She actually felt as bad as I did, she wasn't trying to find out by now and the whole trip had become such a great mystery. Good fun, you know.
I looked at the dog and I said, for neither the first nor the last time:
Way to go, jerk.
And he looked at me and said:
Don't go blaming this on me you stupid fucking dummy.
And then I thought I had it made, because I owned a fucking talking dog!
But that's a story for another time.
I feel like my birthday is coming up and Steve Tambellini, bless his little heart, is going to give me something big. Maybe a weekend in New York. We'll catch a show, take a romantic stroll in Central Park. Or maybe an all inclusive trip to Jamaica. We'll oil each other up and drink big drinks with umbrellas at the swim up bar. Or maybe, maybe, Paris! Or Prague! Or Edinburgh!
I really am excited because Steve promised me something great at the beginning of the summer. And lets be honest, I deserve something big, don't I? We're talking three years out of the playoffs and he's spending all of that money for nothing. What's a girl to think? I'm wondering if he has someone on the side but then I think, naw, I'm getting fucked too hard for that to be the case.
The thing with Steve is he's already talking like all of his buddies. They talk about the old days all of the time. Championships and Oilers' hockey and the best ice in the league. Problem is its nearly twenty years since they won a Cup, they haven't played Oilers' hockey since 2006 and the ice is shit. And just to make matters worse here comes Pat LaForge talking about how the team just isn't tenable unless taxpayers cough up for a new arena.
I keep expecting Christopher Lloyd to pull up in his DeLorean and ask me to get in along with Michael Keaton, Webster, Ah-Ha and the gang from Full House.
I'm sure Steve will pull through for me though. I mean he said himself that this club was too small and too soft and of course he has to know that next year there is going to be a crunch with the salary cap and Cogliano, Gagner and Grebeshkov are all up for big raises. Three huge parts of the future right there. Its not like he'll further tie the franchise's hands by handing out another huge contract to an aging player. That wouldn't be too smart. And he'll take care of that whole situation where the club needs to get bigger and tougher and could use someone to win draws and kill penalties, right? Everyone can see the need is right there. He said so himself.
Yeah I think we're fucked.
Hey I screwed up my plan but at least I had one and in the end we went on our trip and it was great and I got the girl.
Here I am and I'm thinking Steve is going to tell me that we're taking a Greyhound to Albany. And for me its only a one way ticket.
Posted by Black Dog at 8:30 PM