Friday, July 31, 2009

Feels Like The First Time

Whenever you try something new you are likely going to rely on something or someone to give you a frame of reference. Building a deck? You will talk to your Dad or have a buddy who has built one himself come over or take a class at Home Depot. Playing a new sport? Well you will take lessons or take something learned from watching it being played or you will have a coach teaching you what to do when you hit the ice/court/field/links.

When I began jerking off I was twelve, I believe.

If jerking off were an Olympic sport I would be like that jugeared pothead Michael Phelps, only better. I’d win relays by myself if jerking off were an Olympic sport. When I was in my teens and early twenties I would have a pull anywhere, anytime, multiple times a day, taking a breather only when I required some scabbing over to relieve some of the pain.

Mad pulling. Bloody palms and all.

But when I first gave myself that tentative little tug I had not the foggiest and so I referred to my inspiration to jack and often the fodder for same, my constant companion in those formative years.


It was a Penthouse letter that first gave me the idea and in this particular tale your man, while spying on his landlady/third cousin/stepsister/babysitter, pulled into a baggie.

Why? I have no idea.

But that is where I first read about masturbation and so when I decided to give it a whirl I figured I might as well follow the old saying and grab myself a Ziplock.

When in Ireland and all that, you know.

So I gave it a try and discovered that this undiscovered country was a hell of a wonderful country and so I began to take many excursions there each day. And it was early on and for some reason (inexperience and stupidity fighting tooth and nail) I thought that it might be a good idea to strip down when partaking in my new pastime.

So it came to be that one hot summer afternoon I had the house to myself and so I geared down, got my sandwich bag and sat down on the living room couch. I was just about at the moment of truth when the back door opened and I heard a buddy of mine call my name.

Now you could imagine the disaster that now was suddenly erupting in front of me. One does not survive such a moment. I would have been the guy whose buddy found him stark naked with a baggy on his cock if he had walked up the four steps from the back door, walked past the kitchen and done a hard left into the living room. This would have followed me to high school, university, my working life, my wedding day. I would be in a home and some old fucker would wheel into my room, cackle, and throw my dessicated self a box of baggies.

Voice breaking, ready to leap through the front window if necessary, I called out “hey man, just go down to the basement, I’ll be down in a sec.”

And he complied and tragedy was averted.

I picked up my clothes, hustled to the bathroom, locked the door and finished my favourite thing.


Steve Tambellini has had himself one uneven summer.
The promise is there.

But sometimes I feel like I’ve just walked in on him and he’s sitting there in the buff, pecker in one hand, little baggie full of jizz in the other. Its embarassing as hell and I have to avert my eyes at the mess that he is making.


Ssseth said...


PDO said...

The worst part?

They're reusable....

Anonymous said...

Longtime Lurker BDHS but I have just got to say I can relate to a lot of what you write about your life experiances. Keep up the good work man.

A New Zealand Oiler Fan living in Scotland

40oz said...

I love how this was written before the mess of a press conference that Tambo just had. I had the image of him embarrased, caught red handed hiding behind the podium the whole time.

Subversive said...

Seriously brilliant post, dude.

Pat H said...

jeeezeus. hilarious! well done - again.

HBomb said...


That is all.

Bruce said...

BDHS: Since I'm now likely to remember this sordid tale of teenage debauchery for the rest of my days, watch out if I'm ever in the same Home as you.

Outed, yet again, by yourself. It, uh, took balls to write this one. Superballs from the sounds of 'em.

Chappy said...

Echo everyone else.

Just fantastic, man.

Oiler fan from Greensboro, NC USA.

Thanks for your work.

spOILer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
spOILer said...

The head office doesn't seem to have a good grasp on the situation.

Masturbating without a plan is just asking for trouble.

If we're going to wait for the kids to develop, why Khabeeb? Hell, why the Lubo trade for that matter? If Khabeeb, why are we not picking up a 3C and upgrading the defense?

This is looking like the summer of the hot value contract too... too bad.

Sadly, Steve's rolling snake-eyed, aiming for a large sperm whale.

And a whole load have caught him at it, even The NY Post's biggest jerkoff.

How embarrassing to Oiler fans all.

It's almost like we've been caught in public too -- but with a little cream of shroomie soup in our moustaches.

Or was it cream of salary?

All right, enough of this masturbation masturbation. I've got half a mind to start searching for my lost shaker of salt. This is a computer, after all. Porn cannot be far.

Baroque said...

I'm glad I'm single - all boys are apparently very strange. :)

Either this is the sign of someone who would make a very poor spy (because he can't keep a secret) or an excellent one (because no one could possibly threaten him with blackmail since he makes all his own embarrasing disclosures himself). Hard to say.

mike w said...

Good lord!

Also, I don't believe Tambellini has any sort of sexuality. That would require balls.


Elizabeth said...

I haven't visited the blog in, oh…around 6 months or so. This afternoon as I sat down at the computer to check out the happenings in the hockey "blog-O-sphere" (FYI this is a term the kids use - you're welcome!) I thought, "Hey, I haven't visited Black Dog in a while...wonder if he's got anything interesting to say".

So don't try & tell ME there's no such thing as fate! I’ve never left a comment before, but wow - absolutely brilliant! In fact so brilliant is this post that I absolutely, 100% completely understood - in spite of the fact I'm a girl who's never experienced anything even remotely similar. THAT, my friend, is the mark of genius :-)

Psyche said...

Classic saga. Thank you BDHS.

doritogrande said...

The fact that you have a wife and kids gives everyone hope.

Thank you.

Black Dog said...

Thanks all, glad you enjoyed it.

Anonymous said...

The most sensitive part of a guy while masterbating?

His ears.