Thursday, December 11, 2008

Procurement


I was always a sexually precocious little fellow. This was the seventies so there wasn't much going on, not like now where you go the Interweb and you can download or watch pretty well everything and anything. Back then you had your Playboy and your Penthouse and good luck with finding those suckers. Except I had a nose for it. Always did. One time I found it in the middle of nowhere, true story although we'll save that one for another time.

Somehow when I was eight I got my hands on a Playboy. I still remember one of the pictorials vaguely, it was shot in black and white, she was a tall slender blonde and I liked how she was looking. Can't remember where I found it but I tore out the pages and had them stored in my room with my hockey cards and Hot Wheels cars.

Until the day my sweet little French Canadian grandmother, who would clean from dawn to dusk because it was her nature, decided to scour my room. I was the apple of her eye always, even after this incident, but it came as an awful shock to her old bones, I'm afraid. Fair play to Mom and Dad they didn't give a damn. My Mom asked me why I had them and I answered truthfully that I liked to look at the naked girls.

Truthfully they were probably relieved that I wasn't into cock and balls, this was 1975 in Sudbury after all.

A couple of years later we made a rare visit to Sak's place. There were six of us who got around in grade school. Four of us were really a closeknit bunch and then Sak and another fellow were a little more on the periphery, Sak most of all. He was a decent guy, a bit odd, but he lived a little out of the way for the rest of us who all lived close together. This was the main issue and its a big one when you are ten.

Sak's dad was a quiet little guy and we all thought he was gay, to be honest. Anyways who knows the psychology behind this type of thing but Sak took us to his father's den or office and revealed to us the motherlode - piles and piles of porn. And we're not talking Playboy - it was the dirty stuff - Swank. Hustler. Oui. (That was actually the only time I ever saw Oui.)

We perused as much as we can and then left to go home. As we walked one of my buddies (still my best friend all these years later) gave a huge smile and lifted his jacket to reveal a nice stash of porn, including a Oui.

It was up to me to take charge of the situation. I was the sneakiest and my parents would not raise holy hell if they found it or so it was thought. So for a while I kept our little library at my place, moving it about when I thought necessary, bringing it out whenever the guys came over or if we were camping out. One day my mom came in and announced it was time to flip my mattress. Despite that being the current hiding place I still managed to save the stash, grabbing it when the mattress came up and then sliding it back under when it came down. I thought that might be a harbinger of things to come and so I did what I had to do, wrapping them closely in plastic again and again and then burying them under a log in the woods about fifteen minutes from my house. In the months to come I spent a lot of time in those woods.

Ravine porn. Though not really in a ravine, per se. Good times and then one day I went out there and it was gone. Just like Jesse Niinimaki.

Damn.

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I've talked about it before but the Oilers' amateur procurement department really does deserve recognition for the nice run that they are on. Rob Schremp's addition makes it ten forwards who have suited up for the Oilers this season who they have drafted and the majority of them are under twenty five. Throw in a whole list of kids on their way up, Greene and Stoll, who brought the Oilers Lubo, and guys like Gilbert and Grebeshkov, plucked from other clubs, and one has to give credit to a management team that has taken a beating in these parts at times. Certainly the club has come a long way since the black hole that was the eighties and nineties. Does drafting and developing your own players matter? Ask Detroit.

Organizations, fans and local media always overrate their prospects. I remember the Blue Jays in the 80s when they had the best outfield in baseball - a centre fielder with no range and little power, a right fielder who could not hit a curveball and a left fielder who turned every chance into an adventure. And behind these guys were an army of prospects who were supposed to be even better. Not a one of them made it. That's the way it goes. Teams draft guys because they like them and for the most part the media and fans get their info on these youngsters from the club. So Syl Campusano may still be in the minors after seven years but man wait until you see this guy, he can do it all.

Many of these Oiler kids might be Campusano but there is a long list and while some will get injured or end up not being talented enough I would say that this club is well positioned for the next little while. With the cap possibly dropping in two season a vet or two is going to have to get moved and some kids are going to need to step in.

Nash, Eberle, Peckham, Plante, Wild, Chorney, Omark, Jean Van De Velde, the list goes on and on. And remember that guys have come from far back (Brodziak, Thoresen, Reddox) to make this club in the last couple of years. Probably not as far back as Jeff Petry who was #4 for five minutes and then got taken away by the government in the middle of the night, never to be seen again. But from pretty far back nevertheless.

Now excuse me. My porny sense is tingling.

4 comments:

Kyle said...

Good god, this post pretty much put me in tears.

kanadienkyle said...

Yes, brilliant once again. You have now made 100% of the Kyle's laugh.

My stash was at my friend's farm, where his dad kept an old cardboard box (likely from a stove) filled with Playboy's and Penthouse's. Every one of his birthday parties from age 7 to about 12 or 13 were spent in that shed.

mike w said...

Also a good alternative in the pre-web days: underwear sections in Sears' catalogues.

This was also before PhotoShop, so the nine year-old me would occassionally be rewarded by the almighty sheer bra.

Yep. Kids these days. I mean, even Wikipedia is full of obscene pics.

Black Dog said...

mike w. - kids today don't know how easy they've got it

worthless and weak