Friday, February 02, 2007

The Old Drunk Guy Just Roofed It!

I've been tagged by Mike over at CinO and boy does my ass hurt. That's two for three now. Went for drinks with Chris! a few weeks back, things were going swimmingly, went to take a leak, came back and next thing you know I woke up in a ditch with my pants around my ankles and a sore bum. Thought that strawberry daiquri tasted funny.

Anyhow, chain letter. Typical Friday night. Wife at work. Kids in bed. Beer in hand. Getting ready to check out some internet pornography.

So why not?

Team: Edmonton Oilers

Uniform Number: 28

Position: Centre

Nickname: Shirley, Bob Marley, The Longest Ball, Crazy Legs, Dirty Old Man, Shitfuck, Peanut Butter Balls, Whackoff, The Shortbread Kid, Nice Head

Dream Linemates: Smyth and Pisani because I need all the help I can get plus that means we'd spend all of our time together and I love them both. Not in a gay way. Well, ok, in a gay way.

Rounding out the PP: Horc and Bergeron. Horc for the same reasons stated above. Bergeron because he would make me look good. Because he's bad. Get it?

Job: Energy guy. In other words, I'm the guy the crowd loves because I'm just thisfarabove their skill level. Also I'd instigate trouble and then hide behind Smith. "Just try him. Go ahead. Try him! C'mon, you stupid fucker, try him!" Comedic relief when team is doing poorly.

Signature Move: Distracting the other team by feigning a heart attack, thus allowing my teammates to run rampant. Or maybe having a real heart attack. Depends on the night, I guess.
Also smoking while playing.

Strengths: Lots of heart. Ability to raise the puck, well at least 50% of the time. Big hair. Corduroy coat. Ability to give advice to younger teammates. Large balls. Loves to drink. A lot!

Weaknesses: Dvorak like knack for blowing golden opportunities (alas, too true), the drink, loose women.

Injury Problems: Sore hair. Inflamed pubic area and other varieties of the clap.

Equipment: Throwback everything, Jimmy.

Nemesis: Tie Domi. He cries from my cruel mockery of his pathetic existence. Also punks like Maltby, Chelios, you know the type.

Scandal Involvement: Constant dropping of the soap in team shower, playing drunk, sleeping with Karen Percy, caught masturbating on bench, caught jerking off in the press box, caught pulling the goalie in the penalty box, caught playing the back nine between periods, caught slapping the salami in front of the net, etc etc. Also forced to retire after going Eddie Shore on Tie Domi and killing him by clubbing him over his stupid head. And then peeing on him.

Who I'd face in the Cup Finals: The Leafs. Because it would make me laugh to see them come so close. Did you realize they haven't even made the finals in 40 years? How sad is that?

What I'd Do With the Cup after We won: Melt it down, sell it and use the money to buy coke and hookers, thus ensuring that I would live in Infamy. (That's between Kap and Swastika, up in Northern Ontario for you Westerners).

Would the media love me or hate me?: They'd love me until they realized that when I invited them over for peanut butter balls at Christmas I would greet them naked except for peanut butter on my big wrinkly bag. Then they wouldn't like me so much. Except for Martine Gaillard.


mike w said...

Now that's my kind of player!

Jordi said...

Sheesh what is with bloggers and wanting to urinate on players? This is the second time I've read people expressing the need to pee on certain players

Black Dog said...

I'm not talking about peeing on a professional hockey player though, jordi, I'm talking about Tie Domi.

Someone should send him this chain letter.

Chris! said...

"The Longest Ball." Priceless.

Margee said...

I opted to pee on Michael Peca! Great minds...

And a corduroy jacket is a major strength. You should list it twice.

Julian said...

This meme is kinda like The Aristocrats joke, and I think Pat just took a page out of Bob Saget's book. By far the most disturbing and funniest one I've read, good stuff.

Black Dog said...

Hey julian, how are things? Bob Saget is such an odd guy, huh? Or maybe its just the disconnect between his Full House/Home Video persona and the real person. He played himself on an episode of Entourage I saw a week or so ago and it was the same - foul mouthed, drinking, unshaven - chasing hookers. That's some funny shit.